No Mr. Frost, I Want To Take The Well Traveled Path!!

There is a machine waiting, an army of SLPs, OTs and PTs, BCBAs and a thousand different acronyms waiting. They want to help you yes, but make no mistake they are selling you something too. The business of autism is greedy, just ask any mom that has put her child on any number of diets also barring fancy acronyms, or filled their cabinets with vitamins minerals, antifungals and the sort. I am not even sure how this machine came about, but my guess is somewhere along the line they offered hope. I know in the beginning I would have done anything to not go through this, to not have my child go through this, and I did everything. I completely blindly handed my son over to the machine. I watch him through glass windows, and video monitors while others played with him, and drilled him, and drilled him. They were all nice people they all wanted to do their job and it helped.... right. Did it help? I ask myself that from time to time. Apparently there are studies that indicate that "early intervention" is definitely making an impact on the lives of those living with autism. Yet, the job rate for those even "mildly" effected with the disorder is around 3%. So, what are we trying to do? What outcome do we want with our kids. What do we want to leave them with, will my son be a success if he can bag groceries, and partially run his own apartment? Is he any less of a success if he cannot?

I question myself from time to time, because I am no longer a "mother warrior" trying to save her son. I am a mom with three sons trying to keep my head above water most of the time. I see Cotton for who he is and for the most part I am largely okay with it, good, bad and everything between. There are "behaviors" that we focus on from time to time because they interfere with daily life or others personal space, but really we are just us. I guess some have referred to it as a "new normal", but I really would not know any different. Life for us has certainly gotten easier but, I wouldn't say that it had because of our time in the machine. Cotton got older, got wiser, and so did his mom. We learn and grow because that is what humans do. I wonder what life will look like in the future. I wonder if we will lament what we did not do or should have done. I wonder if the kids of uber moms will really be better off, or if they will be worse off for never being allowed to be?

Even among mom's with kids on the spectrum there is no agreement. Each side attacking the other, because there is a lot at stake. We have to try our best, and at the same time, we have to live our lives. Eventually you can't go anymore, and you just keep asking yourself is there really a finish line in this parenting thing? Hmmmm... maybe I should call my mom and see what she thinks.....:)

In Praise of Slowness

I just finished this book "Under Pressure: Rescuing Our Children from the Culture of Hyper-Parenting" by Carl Honore It was pretty good, although no groundbreaking information. I thought it was very interesting how we all need permission to step out of our kids lives. With my first child having significant issues in socialization, right from the start, I was in his face. Literally, all hours of the day were gently spent coaxing him into interaction. When Landon came along, I never gave him a second to breath. I carried him everywhere in my trusty sling, making every opportunity a learning moment. I never considered the time spent apart to be very significant to his development, although I did remember that my own parents spent a lot of time with us, but not really playing with us per se. Anyway, this book points out that parents often get in the way of a lot of learning and enjoyment, by trying to control everything, and make it a teaching moment, and ultimately all about the parent. Playing on ones own lends itself to greater creativity, problem solving, and social adeptness. If mom is not shouting over your shoulder to share every minute, you might decide to do so yourself if it will make your little brother stop screaming:)

I have found this to be true, by stepping back and letting my kids play, I find their imagination is much more spontaneous. I love to be in control, and I think it is time to step out of their world, and let them create their own. Even Cotton who does not have an obvious imagination has intricate and interesting "games" when he is left to his own devices. Lately he is taking all the stray leaves in the back yard and making dozens of piles (you know how he loves piles), then he moves all the piles onto the trampoline and all the kids jump them into oblivion. Landon is a late bloomer in the realm of full fledge imaginary play, he is now making up for lost time, and spends hours in imaginary worlds, and situations. Rev is his trusty sidekick, while not able to come up with things on his own yet, he is happy to be involved in whatever his big brother is constructing. The other day the boys were playing with chalk on the back porch, I was watching from the window (scandalous I know) Rev fell on Landon and the chalk broke in half, Landon of course freaked and pushed his brother, I resisted every instinct to run out there and solve this for them. At first I thought this is hopeless then Landon gave his brother a piece of chalk to make him stop crying and Cotton ran over took Rev's hand, and made him sign sorry...lol I don't have to say of course there are plenty of times a parent should jump in, and absolutely spend time with your kids....yada yada... but sometimes it is fun to just watch and see what they come up with.

Ice, Ice, Baby...

We have had a crazy week. Last Thursday we had an ice storm that shut down the entire town for 6 days! The first night was pretty fun, we had lost power, so we put a bunch of mattresses together by the fireplace, and the kids went wild.



I am pretty sure the kids would love this set up permanently, but let's just say between the wiggling bodies and Cotton's 2 am serenade, dad and I did not get the best night sleep. The next morning I promptly announced our impromptu vacation. My sister was awesome enough to take us all in for the week, it's wonderful to have her so close. She basically gave us an entire floor of her house. So really we made out well. It was nice to stop our busy lives for a while and spend some time together. The kids spent hours at the fantastic parks my sister has in her neighborhood, the whole neighborhood has a medieval theme, so they crawled through the tunnels of underground dungeons, and rode on the backs of dragons. Great food, great shopping (HHEEELLLOOO Target, it's been a long time my friend) and GREAT company.

Now back to reality. School starts back on Monday, and life in our town is slowly creeping back to life. Nothing like shaking things up a bit.

Purging

We have been busy getting our house ready to put on the market, and I am LOVING how organized my house is becoming. I think everyone should pretend to move every two or three years, it's amazing what you realize you don't need. One thing that has been surprisingly cathartic is "getting rid of the autism." I have been donating book after book, worksheets, ABA stuff, all the stuff I "needed" to help me teach my son, it's all going. I of course will keep a few things, most of it was very expensive which makes me all the more happy to give it away. Visual schedules, PECS cards and especially books about "recovery" those I throw away, I don't even want to give those away, and it is like a little happy dance every time I see the trash truck. I have shredded stacks and stacks of IEP sh!@, and daily data sheets, depicting exactly how many bites my son was able to take out of a cookie....gone.... gone .... gone. Everyone telling me how it would be, how to get through, how to teach, how I should be, and what I should sacrifice to get it... good bye. We have found our way, and I know my own strength now, I know what my children need, it's time to move on.

Lady in Waiting

I learned a very hard lesson this summer. I was neck deep in kids, and I needed help. I was so very anxious for school to start, I pressed hard for the date, couldn't wait. When that date arrived, it ended up being the date of my grandmothers fatal stroke. Not only that, but I had put off going to visit her two weeks before, I thought "Oh geez I cannot travel with these kids, I'll go after school starts, it will be easier then, I will feel more up to it." As difficult as this lesson is, the insight gained, has been invaluable. There is a lot of life waiting in the waiting.

Once again, my life is a bunch of maybes and wait and sees, and I am waiting on many things. Too many to go into in one post, but I find myself pressing toward an unknown time of peace and security. It is difficult for me to even focus on all the goodness going on around me, because of the goodness I perceive waiting for me in the future. Being mindful of my forward propulsion, I have made attempts at not waiting. But enjoying the time I have now. All of the things I am waiting for will happen and my perception of peace and security then, is just as unlikely as realizing that I have peace and security now.

This is not a new concept to me, or anyone I am sure, but I am learning that these things come and go in a circular motion in my life. I find myself revisiting the same few issues over and over, for years and even decades, eventually (I assume) come to a realization and learn a lesson, only to forget about the lesson six months from now, and revisit it AGAIN once I cannot stand it anymore. Only with each new cycle I am a bit more prepared a bit wiser, and so when these moments of clarity come, I grab on tight and hope that one day, I .... ha see pursuit of the future unknown. I have so much to learn.

And now for a few words from our sponsors...

It has been a lovely two weeks. Let me just say, having all three kids somewhere at least two days a week is AWESOME! Why didn't I do this sooner,oh yeah might have something to do with the one year old mama's boy:) I say that sarcastically, but it is a little nice, I mean the boy loves me. Before bed he runs to the rocker and get this snuggles with me it is so lovely. Cotton, loved for you to rub his head, and face, Landon was just too busy to cuddle, but Rev squeezes his little body into yours, wet hair smelling of Burt's Bees and just showers you with sticky baby kisses before settling down to the business of rocking. I guess it is true what they say of your last child. We have been pretty uneventful around here. We are night training Landon, pretty funny I know exactly how it is going to go. At least a week of night time interruptions followed by a night of dry, and a reward for his efforts. Followed by three more days of not, followed by frustrated parents and threats and more rewards, followed by a few dry nights, and then more, and then we will forget all about the struggle in a month. But, and I am sure this is not a new trick but I will share anyway, just in case you haven't heard of it. Layer the bed waterproof cover, sheet, waterproof cover sheet, so when you get the inevitable wake up you pull one layer off and voila you are ready to go again. He also started at a new preschool, and loves it. I really like it, because both the little boys are in the same place, and for the same amount of time.

I actually got to go to the gym for a workout. I hate going to the gym I prefer to work out at home, or better yet outside, but it has been like 10 degrees here. Turns out I needed to go to the gym. Evidently I have not been pushing myself enough, and I have some very sore muscles to prove it. I suppose it is time to step it up a bit, I love Yoga but doing yoga as a workout per se is not exactly the point. So, maybe with my freedom I will actually go to a class or two. If you are interested in my humble opinion and are looking for an amazing yoga DVD, I would recommend Yoga Shakti . It's my fav. It will leave you feeling bliss. Speaking of bliss, and while I am making random suggestions, If you are at all interested in meditaion. Stop laughing despite my frantic blog post, I am actually an adept meditator lol. I highly recommend the Meditation Oasis podcast. Sorry the link is not working for some reason, just go to itunes it is under podcasts. These are guided meditations, that will make you feel like butter. But, if you are going to use them for sleep (which I also highly recommend) Listen to a few first, some will drift off, and some are made to reawaken you at the end. Nothing worse than being just about asleep, only to be chirped to life again. I'm not sure how this post turned into my own personal commercial, but if your interested enjoy:)

Watch Your Mouth!

Cotton has been so anxious about Daddy these days. Every time he leaves for work he cries crocodile tears. He has been doing this at school too. Over and over "Daddy gone", "Daddy gone." I really had no idea why this was happening. My husband has been home here more than ever. Then it dawned on me, Cotton is privy to almost all adult conversations because, well he isn't really listening right. WRONG, The other night he spilled the beans, "Daddy move beach." We have talked to the kids a little about the move, just vague stuff like we will be going to the beach etc. I never in a million years thought that Cotton could pick up on something like this. It's great, that he understood this, but I am a little worried about what else he has heard. haha. Really the family secrets are no longer safe.

I decided if he really was understanding things of this complexity, then the only solution was to explain it to him as such. So I sat him down and laid it all out. Just like I would any other 7 year old. So far he seems to be getting it. No more tears at school. He still talks about Daddy non stop, but I think he may understand much more than I thought.