Life

My husband will be deploying again. Soon, but we never really know when. It changes on a daily basis, and the reality is sinking heavy on my shoulders. This isn't like the old days, when Cotton was little, and I could still go where ever I wanted to go. This is different, I have three kids now, and Cotton is not little anymore. He is getting bigger and stronger, by the day. He is already able to pull away from me, and there is little I can do about it. For the most part he stays with us, but if he decides he wants to go somewhere (like the day he was convinced that this one house was ours, and he was going in no matter what) I cannot stop him. Then there is his vision. We received happy news at the beginning of this year. The doc said he thought his vision was pretty good, but we can clearly see, that Cotton is having A LOT of difficulty navigating in unfamiliar places. I am literally guiding him, every time we walk around anywhere unfamiliar. Guiding is not the same as holding your child's hand, he cannot see the obstacles. We are looking into another low vision eval, and hopefully we can start work with an orientation and mobility specialist. But the O & M at the school for the blind told me that multiple disabilities made this type of training "difficult."

In short, I love my son, but being in public is a lot of work. Not to even mention his brothers, they are no picnic either (just to be fair lol) When my husband leaves, especially if he leaves during the summer, my world is going to get very, very small. I will not be able to leave the house with all of them. That really scares me. I am working to get supports in place, and it will work out, but even the simple things, like driving two hours to my parents house will be hard. Just taking a bathroom break is complicated, not only logistically, but my eight year old no longer belongs in the women's bathroom. How can you say that something is going to be monumentally difficult, without devaluing the people you love the most? How do you have friends, when you cannot leave your house? How do I not sound pathetic by knowing that I cannot do this on my own (not without school anyway)?