Firsts

I never finished Cotton's baby book. Not because I was lazy, or busy, but because it was a constant reminder of what he was not doing. A million blank lines....just waiting. While cleaning out my closet the other day, I came upon the dusty book. I froze at first, because as much as I love Cotton, those early years were among the hardest of my life. I slowly opened it, and started to read, what I written way back then, way before I knew anything about autism, or albinism, or sleepless nights, and early mornings. Back when a runny nose made me nauseous.

I was surprised to find that it was actually funny, and entertaining. I was so young, and so hopeful. Then I saw the note, the note I wrote the day after Cotton was born. The note I was sure was filled with the fantasy child I was sure he would be. I opened it up ready to be transported back to all those feelings, but it wasn't like that at all. Really all it said was, no matter what, we love you, beyond what we thought love was capable of, and that no matter what,

we would always be there for you. Who could have known how far love could stretch, or how much having your life fall apart could make your heart grow.

The other day Cotton called me into his room urgently "Mama, Mama, Mama!" I ran into his room, because he never calls out for me. He was laying on his bed, so I sat down, "What's wrong baby?" He laughs at my question... silly woman don't you know by now that I do not answer questions? Then he pulls me close and says "I love you." Firsts are great, firsts are awesome no matter how long it takes to get there.