One of the most precious things taken from you when your child is given the diagnosis of autism, is the ability to dream. As soon as babies start moving in mama's belly dreaming begins. "Oh he is so active, he will be a football player...Oh she's flipping around like a gymnast in there." This of course continues as the child grows, if the child is smart, athletic, attractive, even if the kid is mediocre, you can still have the happily ever after dream. The reality is that our kids, just like we as parents never really "turn out" the way we imagine, but for a short while, you get to imagine the best case senario. You get to pretend that he is going to marry his pretty little play date, or buy ivy league college sweatshirts if you want. You get to assume that your kid will go to college, and make snide comments about how you hope you are a good enough parent that your kid doesn't end up working at the 7/11. When these conversations take place, my heart aches, because I know if I say anything, I will get that "bless your heart" look that I have no desire to ever see again. We don't get the luxury of dreams like these. I dream of fat special needs trust, and communities, that help our kids live in acceptance offering the help they need to live as independently as possible. I dream of the day my son can have a two sided conversation.
I was recently asked if Cotton would grow up to live on his own. This is a question, I have not only gone over in my head a gazillion times, but have planned for, research and contemplated over and over again. I "know" at least the answer I think is true, (that I can never retire and or die) but my answer to her, was "I don't know." I thought that was weird that I said that. I guess I didn't want to go into it. But it made me think, I really don't know. I haven't even pretended to dream in so long, just affirming that the future may not be set made me feel a little giddy. I want to expect the best, but it hurts so much. Perhaps, I need to give myself a little more freedom, screw the statistics, it is just a dream after all.
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About Me
- burgiboogie
- I blog about autism, albinism, my three "active" boys, and life a military family.
3 comments:
I know what you mean about the dreaming. But we really can't know what is ahead for our kids. (I still believe Oliver will be an athlete!) I just want him to be happy and surrounded by people who love him -- no matter what else the future looks like. I don't feel like I'm revising downward -- more like I'm opening up to possibilities that I never imagined.
I agree with Christine. The dreams may not be conventional, but they're big anyways and they all revolve around my boys' happiness. And, no matter what, we can't know what they're capable of. Glad you're (maybe) dreaming again...
With my son Greg, watching him on the IPad has made me realize that there's so much he can do that I don't know. It does open up some ideas of possibilities I hadn't thought about in a long time. The first step is still potty training, though!!
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