Lady in Waiting

I learned a very hard lesson this summer. I was neck deep in kids, and I needed help. I was so very anxious for school to start, I pressed hard for the date, couldn't wait. When that date arrived, it ended up being the date of my grandmothers fatal stroke. Not only that, but I had put off going to visit her two weeks before, I thought "Oh geez I cannot travel with these kids, I'll go after school starts, it will be easier then, I will feel more up to it." As difficult as this lesson is, the insight gained, has been invaluable. There is a lot of life waiting in the waiting.

Once again, my life is a bunch of maybes and wait and sees, and I am waiting on many things. Too many to go into in one post, but I find myself pressing toward an unknown time of peace and security. It is difficult for me to even focus on all the goodness going on around me, because of the goodness I perceive waiting for me in the future. Being mindful of my forward propulsion, I have made attempts at not waiting. But enjoying the time I have now. All of the things I am waiting for will happen and my perception of peace and security then, is just as unlikely as realizing that I have peace and security now.

This is not a new concept to me, or anyone I am sure, but I am learning that these things come and go in a circular motion in my life. I find myself revisiting the same few issues over and over, for years and even decades, eventually (I assume) come to a realization and learn a lesson, only to forget about the lesson six months from now, and revisit it AGAIN once I cannot stand it anymore. Only with each new cycle I am a bit more prepared a bit wiser, and so when these moments of clarity come, I grab on tight and hope that one day, I .... ha see pursuit of the future unknown. I have so much to learn.