We were at the park today, the house was being shown again. It was a warm day and there were a lot of kids there. All the movement was making Cotton anxious, and his verbal stimming was gaining attention. Everyone respectfully ignored us, they all know Cotton, so I didn't have to explain. I was watching a friend's child while she ran a quick errand, and I couldn't just leave, but things were quickly getting out of hand. His body was rigid, and his face was pained and he kept repeating "Daddy grandma." I started to gather the kids, and head somewhere out of the way, but he was getting louder and louder, I quickly said to him "we are all done now." Usually that calms him, but not this time. He squealed and his body bowed with tension, he started speaking an unknown language loudly. I grabbed him wrapped him in my arms, and told him it was okay until his body relaxed and he was ready to walk again. Meanwhile Rev, had made his way to the other side of the park, I needed to sprint after him, but I couldn't, if I left Cotton it would get worse. I sent Landon to get his brother, or at least catch up with him until I could get there. Dragging Cotton behind me, still stiff and sobbing, I caught up to Rev, who was gleefully playing a keep away game. Landon was doing a good job of impersonating a grown up, and I was slowly screaming inside "please God, please get me out of here." But Alas, my lesson in humility lasted for what felt like 2 hours. So, I scoop up Rev, who was now screaming at me, and pull Cotton behind me as he stiffly jogs to keep up. Landon is now crying, because he can, and the little girl I was watching was sweetly saying, "I don't want to leave."
I walked shamefully to my car waited for my friend, and drove home. The fallout continued at home, but at least it was private. As I was leaving I thought about those beautiful people at the park and what they must think of me. Of my family, of my parenting. I thought how stupid I was for putting Cotton in that situation, and how horrible it was to rely on my four year old to help me with my two year old, and just how messed up things could get. But, mostly I thought how awful I looked, panicked and embarrassed, disheveled, pulling and carrying with a strength that can only come out of necessity and adrenaline. Do they feel sorry for me, embarrassed for me, or just plain thankful it isn't them?
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About Me
- burgiboogie
- I blog about autism, albinism, my three "active" boys, and life a military family.
7 comments:
Ahhhhhhh! I've had days like that, too. We all have. I know it is easy to say "who cares what they think!" but I guess from time to time we all do. Or at least we recognize the absolute absurdity of our lives!! Hope the afternoon got better and you you got a glass of wine after settling the kids in for the night!!
They are thinking, "That girl is a rockstar" and honestly, "I'm glad it's not me." Because they're wondering if they could find the strength and fortitude that you exude if their own circumstances were different. You are an amazing mom. Don't ever doubt that.
I think they are thinking a little bit of all three.... I could not help but chuckle (even though it is not funny) and sigh a bit of relief....I have days like this 2-3 times a week! Especially w/ Cash's outburst, or meltdowns. I must say that he has improved tremendously, but I never know w/ him, what we will get. (as far as his mood goes) I think was hurts me the most, is that I feel like my other son misses out on things b/c of Cash's behavior. Or we end up having to leave Cash at home w/ daddy... but Im praying its b/c he is 3.5.. and it will hopefully improve w/ age. You are a great mom! ((hugs))
I wonder about the same thing a lot. I'm sure people are impressed with you, but it's still not fun.
I lost Greg in Barnes and Noble the other day and they had to block all the exits and make an announcement. Not a shining moment for me! And I only had two boys with me at the time
It will get a lot easier when the little two are older. Meanwhile, hang in there!
hopefully if they were other moms, they weren't thinking anything other than, 'glad today it was her turn, not mine' as we all definitely have those moments with our kids. you did what you had to do. that's it.
don't question your position as a mother based off of that one instance. you are so much more than that.
Ugh....I had a couple of those moments today and we have them so often lately I've just learned to get a blank look on my face and not make eye contact with anyone. I don't know what they're thinking, but I do know what I'm thinking: this royally sucks. Hugs to you for being so strong!
You were fine. The other mothers should be ashamed of themselves for not offering to help. Someone could have easily watched the little girl while someone else could have run after your littlest one and that would have given you time to console Cotton.
Sometimes I get so disappointed with other moms. They sit and silently judge or they act fake nicey-nice but few people get real and help each other.
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