Cotton Tales

New blog address

2011-12-07T08:27:00.000-08:00

http://threecottontops.blogspot.com/

2011-11-11T07:16:00.001-08:00

Come over to my new blog at http://threecottontops.blogspot.com/ You will see why when you get there:)

Private

2011-09-16T17:52:00.001-07:00

I am going to make my blog private for a while. If you want access the password will be Cotton's real name. If you know that, then you are probably not a serial killer:) If you don't know it, then leave a comment and I will send it to you.... unless you are a serial killer, then you know sorry.

Plateau

2011-08-23T12:52:00.000-07:00

Landon is a little on the bossy side. You know he comes by it honestly, and he has a little brother that is willing to do almost anything he asks of him. Cotton is of course his older brother, but Landon LOVES to be in charge. Cotton was helping me with dinner, he took out the colander and was putting it on the sink, when Landon came over and started to tell him how to do it. Cotton looked over at his brother and says "NOT TEACHER!" Wow that was so incredible on so many levels.

This is the first time that Cotton has said anything like this, he wasn't asking for a need, or trying to tell us about something that happened. This was original and appropriate! This also comes on the heels of an increase in medication. I always freak out when we make changes to his meds. but he has grown a great deal this summer, and he was due for a reevaluation. We have seen a lot of good things as a result of this change, so I'm hoping to see some more. We've been "stuck" for a while, nothing dramatic, just no huge developmental jumps. Maybe this will help us over this plateau.

How to Have Three Boys... and Avoid Thomas the Train

2011-08-22T12:32:00.000-07:00

Rev, has become enamored with trains... I know what 3 year old boy is not. Oddly enough Cotton was never drawn to trains as a toddler, Landon liked them, but was never much for Thomas exactly. What's wrong with Thomas you ask? Nothing really, I just think they are a little creepy. Although I do concede that the newer more animated Thomas episodes are a lot less creepy, I'm still just not sold lol. I'm not the only one, Landon refuses to watch the old episodes where the characters mouths don't move, he says "They look like puppets, and I don't like puppets." I'm sensing some drama I should know about.. ok but now I'm getting off track (pun intended)

So I was dangerously close to a Thomas obsession. Rev fell in love with the trains at a doctor's office. We have a few trains around the house and he was asking for movies non stop. Then I remembered we had an attic full of Geo Trax. These are less creepy remote control trains, and we have tons of tracks and all the bells and whistles that go with it. We also have a few of the movies Rev was hooked immediately and now my living room is a maze of tracks and trains, and little men... and stop signs that really hurt when you step on them. My kids say things like "tracktastic" and even Cotton is getting in on the fun. I caught him secretly rolling a train around the track. careful that no one was watching. So the lesson here, is that you can't take the trains out of boyhood, but if your lucky you might just avoid Thomas.

All I Want For Christmas

2011-08-20T18:15:00.000-07:00

Oh what a night. Cotton, had this tooth. It was a baby tooth, being pushed sideways by a permanent tooth that was already sticking through the gum. Only the baby tooth was some how not loose, I should also mention that after YEARS of grinding his teeth, his baby teeth are little tiny square nubs. We had a decision to make.... dentist... which we have regularly seen since Cotton was three, and have only graduated to sitting in the chair and opening his mouth for a quick look..... or us. We decided to give it a try. It was AGONY on every one's part. Rev was crying crocodile tears for his brother, but Landon was excited because he thought the Tooth Fairy would be paying a visit. Finally after a colossal fight both against Cotton and the tooth, it popped out. I asked Cotton to put it in the pillow for the Tooth Fairy, and he just shook his head no, and asked for a band aide. We let him watch YouTube videos for a while and he forgave us. I am so thankful though, I really doubt we would have ever got him back into the dentist office, if we had used her to pull the funky tooth. By the way, did you know that there is an entire section of YouTube videos dedicated to elevators? My son has peeps out there.

King of Your Castle

2011-08-19T07:22:00.000-07:00

So yesterday we went to my new favorite place. It was a bouncy castle world. We have been looking for something to keep the kids active during these oh so HOT days of August and some friends invited us out. It is an out of the way small town place, so perfect for my diverse group. Well almost perfect. As soon as you walk in the door there is a giant inflatable shark slide that scared the piss out of my very sensitive Rev. He was happy to eat pizza and play in the eating area while watching his daring brothers careen from one inflatable house of doom to the next. He'll warm up, he just needs a little time. On a good note upon arrival, he yells "Oh no shark, all done, no no, all done, car, go home, all done." Just saying look at my little communicator, he has come sooo far! Even if he is screaming this in a total panic lol.

I love this place though because the kids can scream as loud as they want do what they want, and Rev and I can sit there and watch from afar... in safety... away from giant sharks. It is really hard to find ways to get Cotton active, and here he was climbing walls, jumping through hoops, gleefully running through obstacle courses, a sensory wonderland really... for him.... maybe sensory hell for Rev... just pointing out the obvious. The best part was that it was a place that Landon and Cotton could play together! No real skill necessary, Landon and Cotton were holding hands giggling the whole way, what is not to love....sorry Rev.

School All Around

2011-08-18T06:41:00.000-07:00

We just started back to school this week, what a quick, fun and easy summer. It is about freaking time! One of my greatest accomplishments this summer, is that I became a pool mom. I don't know if you remember me lamenting about how much I envied the carefree moms at the pool. Well this year I was there... not carefree, but there. The kids are pretty much swimming... ie they don't drown while in shallow water. That is something right??

Monday was the first day of school. Landon was of course thrilled and beside himself with excitement. He has had a great but exhausting first week. Kindergarteners don't take naps! Cotton's class still has a rest time, but no rest for the Kindergarteners I guess. Landon did wake up yesterday and tell me that he had changed his mind and did not want to go to school everyday. He will manage he is already learning so much. I really love the school the kids are attending. My husband is going to have to pry my fingers from this place when it is time for us to PCS (move).

Cotton is in the same class same kids and same teachers. He loves them, they love him, there is very little else to say about it. When you got a program that works, pray it holds together. I still have my ABA tudors coming, still we have taken a few weeks off, but they will be starting up next week again. I am not sure how I feel about that. Let's face it without them Cotton's afternoons could be spent watching Youtube videos, so I am learning to love it, even if it is a pain in the ass.

Rev, really hates that he brothers are going to the same school without him. He wails for them when they get out of the car in the morning. They boys have become so close this summer. They are all so interconnected, it is really beautiful to watch brotherhood unfold.

As for me I have one more week of laziness while I enjoy my free time, and then I am learning to run. I HATE running, buuuut, I've been doing yoga for over a year now, and I need to switch things up. A friend of mine is running a half marathon, and she has started training, so I am learning to run with her. She says I will be running the half, I say let me run 1 mile first... we'll see.

Did someone say chocolate...??

2011-07-14T10:04:00.000-07:00

I realize that I left my blog with Rev not hearing, and didn't follow up! So yes, Rev had a pretty significant hearing loss, but fortunately it was because of wax and fluid build up. I know you can't really do anything about that, but a mom cannot help but question her grooming diligence. So a good cleaning, and ear tubes et viola!

Anyway, fast forward a few weeks, and WOW what a difference, homeboy can follow directions... who knew? He is also talking a lot more. Of course I wish it was an over night thing but alas, I must work for all speech in my life:) He is doing great, and a happier kid all around. For some reason he is much more pleasant to be around, when he is not screaming at you because you don't understand what he is saying. Not to say there are not times, currently he keeps running up to me saying "hey mom, slkdfjgdhfoijwekfhglkdjhflksjglsf" and I just nod and smile, because it makes him happy.

Trust me a happy Rev = a happy family.

However, when the words are important he says them like a champ, take the word "chocolate" for example that one is said slowly every syllable carefully enunciated as to ensure the message is received, and that mom does not stand there like a bobble head doll.

ccchhhhhhoooooccccoooollllaaaatttttte. yummmm

Coming into his own

2011-06-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

Landon has really, really grown up the last few months. He is coming into his own in many ways, particularly in regards to sports. He is currently in soccer camp and I absolutely love to watch him play. He is really agile, VERY motivated, and quick! He's the kid that is always ready to go. It is refreshing to watch my child succeed. Bittersweet, but awesome at the same time. At running club, he usually places 1st or 2nd in all the races, little man has speed! It is nice to be part of the "typical" world from time to time, with so much emphasis on his brothers, we work extremely hard to make his life as autism free as possible.

But there are times that our worlds collide, and unfortunately, and fortunately Landon has to deal with things, I would rather he didn't. I am worried about next year. Cotton's classroom, is located on the kindergarten wing, and I know that Landon will have to answer some uncomfortable questions. We are trying to prepare him, without making it too dramatic. Knowing him he will shrug it off, but I so wish I could shelter him from what is bound to happen.

But nothing keeps that kid down long. The other day he was collecting tomatoes out of the garden. All of a sudden he looks in his bag and says "Oh damn!" "Landon! I scold, that is not a nice word! We don't say that word (ahem.. some of us anyway)" He looked at me and in all seriousness and said "But you don't even know why I said damn!" And that my friends just about sums it up.

Summer Time

2011-06-13T18:13:00.000-07:00

In winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle-light.
In summer quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people's feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

-Robert Louis Stevenson

Same Song Second Verse

2011-06-08T14:53:00.000-07:00

So I took Rev into see the ENT and the audiologist today, and he failed the initial exam. Of course they have no answers for us, and we have to do more testing yada yada. I feel like I can face anything, so why does it always seem like that which I must face has its' back turned to me. It feels eerily like when I found out Cotton was visually impaired. I though whew that was close, I thought it was autism lol. I am trying to separate the two experiences, but I am finding it really difficult. I guess this is more of a facebook post than a blog, but I don't think anyone I know needs to be on this roller coaster with me... come to think of it, can I get off?? Sheesh... here we go.

Slam Dunk

2011-06-07T20:09:00.000-07:00

So day two of summer, and it's going ok. We don't have a lot of down time, so that is actually very helpful. I am keeping them as busy as possible, so when it is time for dinner, their heads start bobbing over their spaghetti (ok so none of them would actually eat spaghetti voluntarily, but my day dream so hush). I even enrolled them in a running club. So funny to watch Rev run, I mean really, why did I not think of this earlier? Cotton did not have the stamina or the coordination to really participate, so this kind of gives us something to work on. My hope is that we can help him learn to run the 100 without hating it. We have been walking since the weather has warmed up, this is one "sport" that he might actually be able to participate in.

True to my word, I took Cotton on his first swimming lesson... um neither one of us drowned, despite Cotton's best effort. I really think he was trying to drown me. At one point, he jumped out of the pool, he was desperate to go down this giant slide, he ran as fast as he could (but not at running club) while I jumped out, and tried to run after him, the life guard kept yelling at him to stop, I yelled to the life guard he can't hear you (because I did not think the 20 year old kid would be interested in auditory processing issues) and then I proceeded to yell at him myself. All in all, it was a successful first trip (note sarcasm.)

Life is never dull around here, let me tell you...

Good bye Old Friend

2011-06-06T20:27:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning I woke up with a bang literally. Landon came screaming into my room, holding Wyatt's talker. A starburst of cracks spread across the screen, and the images were scattered in as sad array of disrepair. Cotton was beside himself, as was I...our warranty was up in November. I am sure I can get my insurance to cover a new one, but here is the thing, Cotton has really been doing a lot of typing on it. He loves to type out new words, and of course his favorite message is "20th Century. Fox. Fanfare. Daddy. Call (meaning Daddy's phone)." note his use of punctuation :) ANYWAY, for the time being, I dusted off the proloq2go app on the iPad, I thought at the very least he could type.Would you know that after two years of snubbing this app, home boy took to it, like a duck to water! After I realized he was going to use it, I made a page that mimicked the Prc design. He has spent a few hours playing with and memorizing the pages, and he is using it! This is good news, only because the iPad and the iPod are much easier to lug around, and can serve multiple purposes. Specifically this is the future of alternative communication. Not to mention with Cotton's visual needs and, and his fine motor issues, the iPad is going to be his "go to tool". It would be nice if his com device was on it as well. I am going to give it a few weeks, and see how well it works for him, before I contact my insurance company.But so far I am really hopeful.

The Untimely Demise of Super Mom.

2011-05-31T08:48:00.000-07:00

This year I have done life a little differently. In the past, I have carried around a ton of guilt about having a child with special needs. I somehow, not really consciously, felt like I needed to suffer, at least as much as I perceived my child to be suffering. But one day, or rather gradually over many days, I realized that he WAS happy, and I was not.

Moving can be a great thing, you can if you want to, reinvent yourself easily, as the old habits aren't always available for you to fall back on. So there I was last year, deciding that I needed a change. I started at a yoga studio, and that was fun, and then I started knitting with a group of ladies (big stretch for me), I made a point to meet and make relationships with my neighbors. I said a lot of "yes" when I usually say "no, I cannot enjoy life, because my son cannot enjoy life" (ok not exactly those words but you get the idea.) Now a year later, I'm having fun! My calendar is full, I am out many nights a week, and the big shocker is that my kids are actually happy about it! I thought if I wasn't home for every little moment in their lives, I would somehow be abandoning them. I realized that leaving them with their completely competent father was a blessing for both of us. Those moments they have with him, are equally as important as their moments with me.

For the first summer in as long as I can remember, I am actually looking forward to having a bit of free time. I have owned up to my limitations, and the kids are going to be busy, sometimes with me, sometimes at school, or day care, and sometimes at camps. I am not going to try to do it all, and feel like a failure when it fails! I have scheduled in a lot of one on one time with each child which is going to rock. Landon and I have already started on his Five in a Row books, (an annual favorite activity for us, that use to make me feel awful, because I could never get Cotton to participate.) Cotton WILL learn how to swim and ride a bike this summer. Two activities that he is more than ready for, I have just lacked the one on one time to get it done. I have nothing officially planned for Rev, but he will continue in his developmental preschool, that is more than enough for a three year old. I just plan on lots of cuddling:)

So bring on summer, bring on life where I am less in charge, but having more fun, bring on more bed times with Dad, and more dates for the grown ups. Bring on a life that may not look like everyone elses, but looks like a lot of joy.

Say What?

2011-05-26T19:48:00.000-07:00

I've had a bit of a blogging block lately. I'm not even sure where to start. Cotton is in a good place right now, other than having a random fever pop up now and then. Some of the drama and rigidity have faded as they usually do, and he is his sweet self again. This morning he jumped in my arms and gave me a hug and kiss. He shows affection, but not usually so appropriately lol.

Rev is on my mind a lot lately. He continues to make great gains, but he remains far behind his peers. The thing that really has me is that he failed two hearing screenings. Could I have missed something so obvious? I think in my heart I just felt there was no way that could even be a possibility. We made Cotton go to every doctor in the book. By the time he was three he HATED anyone in a white coat, and honestly we NEVER found any medical professional that helped us in any way. So, we have avoided needless test on Rev. But, now we start the process. I am sure the audiologist will lead to and ENT (He has GIANT adnoids and tonsils), it's kind of like that book "If You Give a Pig a Pancake," one needless doctor leads to another.

I can't even imagine, having one child with albinism and autism, and another child with a hearing impairment! That would actually be comical in a sadistic sort of way. I may warn pregnant women to stay away, I may after all be radioactive. But as in everything there are lessons to learn, and I will let you know when I figure out what those lessons are haha. But, I wouldn't hold my breath because apparently I did not learn them the first time:)

Sick and Sicker

2011-05-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

Cotton has been sick a lot lately. It's almost like he never really gets better. One mysterious fever after another. Vomiting, ear infections, and one antibiotic after another. He can't really tell us what is wrong, and this makes me very, very nervous. One minute he is fine and the next minute, his fever spikes, his eyes become red and he becomes very lethargic. This lasts for three days at a time, and then goes away, only to come back. The whole family has wrestled with illness this year and pardon the pun, but I am sick of it! We are going back to the doctor again today, and I really hope they can come up with something.

This is the scary part of not being able to communicate effectively. Every time I ask him a question, he shakes his head no. School called again today, he was fine when I put him on the bus, but the fever is back. I went to pick him up and he looked awful! He's in the other room sleeping right now. Do you have any idea how unusual it is for him to sleep during the middle of the day! I hope we can find some answers for my poor little boy.

You Can Lead a Horse To Water

2011-04-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

I am a little nervous to type this. I'm afraid I may be the only one that feels this way.

It is sort of a post about frustration. With Cotton, and I am sure with others, there are these moments of "extreme clarity." Moments where he types freaking paragraphs on his talker, where he looks into our eyes, participates in what we are doing. Times when he tells jokes, teases his brothers (in a good way), calls me into his bedroom to tell me he loves me. Then the rest of the time, not so much. I just want to scream sometimes. "WHERE DO YOU GO, AND WHY!!!!!!! "Why don't you try? I've seen what you are capable of, Why don't you want to be with us!!!!!"

Most importantly how, do I make it happen all the time. That's where I go wrong, "I" can only do so much. Cotton is the one that has to decide, it is all up to him. I've been so frustrated with him lately. I know that is terrible.

The neighbor boy came over the other day, granted he was rude, but he was like "hey kid, hey.....can he hear?" Wyatt screamed at him, and ran away to float leaves in front of his face. What the heck. AAAHHHH I know it is not his fault. I KNOW that social stuff just doesn't compute. But, sometimes I want him to want it, just a little. I also wish I was a saint, and didn't want it for him so much.

The Many Layers

2011-04-07T07:18:00.000-07:00

I like to be as honest as possible in this blog. I want to talk about autism, and how much I enjoy raising my child with autism, but I think it is only fair, to tell the whole story. Right now, we are in the middle of a lot of stuff. Cotton has had a really good school year. His teacher, his aides and his various therapist are all spot on, and really good to work with. They are also honest, and when they are stuck they let me know it. For the moment we are moving through the stuck part.

Cotton is OBSESSED with the song Fox Fanfare (the intro to the 20th century fox movies) the ONLY thing he wants to do, is watch You Tube videos of the intro. If he is not listening, or watching Fox Fanfare, he is asking for it, and there is very little that matters to him in his life other than this song.

I've been doing this long enough to know that behavior is always communication. This compulsion is probably a symptom of being over stressed. Solving this problem as it pertains to Cotton is not as easy as it may seem. I have cut back on his after school therapy, because (and this is another post) after school therapy is a stress on all of us! But in doing so, I have created more anxiety, because his schedule has changed. So on the days he use to have therapy he yells, Ms. T....Fox Fanfare...ipod, the ENTIRE afternoon!!!!

He has also become very unengaged. Our life has changed a bit since our move. In Oklahoma we had people over all the time. His interactions were inappropriate, but he was at least interested. Here, our friends are more spread out, and we are more likely to meet for a girls night, or go out as a couple than get together as families. This has had an effect on him as well. I think he really enjoys, having people over to the house in his domain where he feels comfortable.

Thirdly, and this is going back to an earlier point, there is a serious sensory element that has been ignored. After school therapy is largely table play (mostly due to weather and is changing as I type). But Cotton is a sensory mess right now. His school is starting brushing therapy up again. In the past I have not been a huge believer, but it is making a big impact at the moment, so I am all for it.

There are so many things to tackle here. Like I said in my previous post, I feel a little lost. As we (and I mean the team) start to peel back the reasons for all of these newish behaviors, we are coming up with new and creative ways to help him. The big thing, the thing we need more than anything, is to teach him how to help himself. More head scratching to come.

Boldly Going

2011-04-04T19:38:00.000-07:00

I am constantly reminded these days of how incredibly big my little boy is getting! I should say boys, but with three, I have a steady stream of hand me downs, waiting for the younger two. Cotton is the one that needs all the new clothes, whose feet are almost larger than mine, and who is eating more than one human his size should possibly be able to ingest at one sitting. I had to carry the child to the bus today.... I know, I know, he is eight, but the bus pulled up, and rain started pouring down in sheets, and lighting flashed out of no where, and Cotton was scared out of his mind. It was way too late to tell the driver to go, so I picked him up and plopped him on the bus. I cannot even convey the comedy this must have been for my neighbors. Me in my crocs and socks (don't hate, you know it's comfortable) pajama bottoms, and husband's coat. Cotton wrapped around my legs, too heavy to really carry just sort of drag, yelling, "outside it's raining!!! lol" He is nothing if not observant. he made it, but my back barely did. He is growing up.

Can I just tell you, that, more than anything, scares the hell out of me! I don't have a plan. I have no idea what this world is going to look like for an older Cotton. Things are really hard for him right now. He is going through "stuff" he is rigid and resistant in a way I have never really seen. I can only assume, this is part of the process. There is all this advice when they are little, there is all this hope, but now, the advice is running out. I don't know what to do, the experts never know what to do. But we are growing, like it or not, Mama needs a new game plan.

Firsts

2011-03-29T07:02:00.000-07:00

I never finished Cotton's baby book. Not because I was lazy, or busy, but because it was a constant reminder of what he was not doing. A million blank lines....just waiting. While cleaning out my closet the other day, I came upon the dusty book. I froze at first, because as much as I love Cotton, those early years were among the hardest of my life. I slowly opened it, and started to read, what I written way back then, way before I knew anything about autism, or albinism, or sleepless nights, and early mornings. Back when a runny nose made me nauseous.

I was surprised to find that it was actually funny, and entertaining. I was so young, and so hopeful. Then I saw the note, the note I wrote the day after Cotton was born. The note I was sure was filled with the fantasy child I was sure he would be. I opened it up ready to be transported back to all those feelings, but it wasn't like that at all. Really all it said was, no matter what, we love you, beyond what we thought love was capable of, and that no matter what,

we would always be there for you. Who could have known how far love could stretch, or how much having your life fall apart could make your heart grow.

The other day Cotton called me into his room urgently "Mama, Mama, Mama!" I ran into his room, because he never calls out for me. He was laying on his bed, so I sat down, "What's wrong baby?" He laughs at my question... silly woman don't you know by now that I do not answer questions? Then he pulls me close and says "I love you." Firsts are great, firsts are awesome no matter how long it takes to get there.

Parks and Rec

2011-03-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

Anyone that reads this blog knows how hard it is for my family to go to the park. So, we decided to invest in bringing the park to us. Here is our work so far....

A new swing set, and a mini tramp

We added a ton of trees to give us more privacy, and hopefully shade for Cotton!

Added a bigger patio area, so we could practice riding our bikes, and of course my husband's garden is in full swing! Happy Spring!

Woo hooo!

2011-03-16T06:36:00.000-07:00

Just when I am about to give up, I finally get some good news! We have been trying to get Rev into a developmental preschool that is just awesome, the type of preschool you would want to send any of your kids, this one just happens to also accommodate those with needs as well. So, he got in, and they had to retest him to update his IEP, and he no longer qualified aaahhhhh! They still kept him at the school (not getting paid a dime) so they could test him right before he turned three. The test is a little harder for 3-5 years, as opposed to 2-3 years. He passed or failed rather just BARELY, which is perfect in my opinion. In the month that he has been there he has made so much progress! Lots and lots of words, two word combos, and dare I say a sentence??? Okay an "I want" sentence, but hey it is a start. He also said "I love you" and did that sweet little sign, only his version looks like he is shooting me the bird. I will take either lol.

This is such a huge weight off my shoulders. The school goes year round, and I am so thrilled with them. As much as I miss having him here with me at home, I love that he is growing and learning there. I love sneaking in and looking through the window, sitting there nicely in circle time, listening and following directions, good things are coming for that kid, I can feel it!

Life

2011-03-15T07:09:00.000-07:00

My husband will be deploying again. Soon, but we never really know when. It changes on a daily basis, and the reality is sinking heavy on my shoulders. This isn't like the old days, when Cotton was little, and I could still go where ever I wanted to go. This is different, I have three kids now, and Cotton is not little anymore. He is getting bigger and stronger, by the day. He is already able to pull away from me, and there is little I can do about it. For the most part he stays with us, but if he decides he wants to go somewhere (like the day he was convinced that this one house was ours, and he was going in no matter what) I cannot stop him. Then there is his vision. We received happy news at the beginning of this year. The doc said he thought his vision was pretty good, but we can clearly see, that Cotton is having A LOT of difficulty navigating in unfamiliar places. I am literally guiding him, every time we walk around anywhere unfamiliar. Guiding is not the same as holding your child's hand, he cannot see the obstacles. We are looking into another low vision eval, and hopefully we can start work with an orientation and mobility specialist. But the O & M at the school for the blind told me that multiple disabilities made this type of training "difficult."

In short, I love my son, but being in public is a lot of work. Not to even mention his brothers, they are no picnic either (just to be fair lol) When my husband leaves, especially if he leaves during the summer, my world is going to get very, very small. I will not be able to leave the house with all of them. That really scares me. I am working to get supports in place, and it will work out, but even the simple things, like driving two hours to my parents house will be hard. Just taking a bathroom break is complicated, not only logistically, but my eight year old no longer belongs in the women's bathroom. How can you say that something is going to be monumentally difficult, without devaluing the people you love the most? How do you have friends, when you cannot leave your house? How do I not sound pathetic by knowing that I cannot do this on my own (not without school anyway)?

Changing the Language

2011-03-02T12:17:00.000-08:00

I have an issue with the language used within the autism community. Kids who represent with milder symptoms are often referred to as "high functioning" and as a contrast, kids who have a more "classic" presentation of autism are considered "low functioning." It is the first question that I am asked when I disclose my son's diagnosis, "is he high functioning?" Well to tell you the truth the answer is not black and white. My son can out "function" many of the kids in the mild category, but no, mild does not describe his challenges either. I usually refer to him as having "old fashioned autism."

I really think the comparison is unfair to be honest. It is like comparing a visual impaired person to a completely blind person. The same teaching methods are often used in both cases, but the outcomes are very different. The "autism spectrum" has become a VERY wide diagnosis. It is often important for me to convey my child's challenges, particularly to medical professionals etc. but I find the word autism is not really adequate any more, and I would NEVER refer to anyone as "low functioning." I'm not sure what it should be called, or how to make the decision about who belongs in what category, I'm just saying the language needs to change.

Lady of Leisure

2011-02-19T20:49:00.000-08:00

So I made it through the depths of winter, oh my how I dislike January. There is nothing worse than it being cold and dark. Cotton on the other hand absolutely LOVES the snow, and has been pouting all week, looking out the window at the sunny 70 degree sky, and saying "outside it's snowing!"

I am not sure what I am going to do with myself! All of my children will be in school full time next month! All of them, I seriously do not know what to do with my time! I mean, I know, I will actually get a few things done, I might even get to do a few things without someone screaming and yelling at me, but....my BABIES!!!

Landon lost his first tooth tonight, Rev moved into a big boy bed this week, and Cotton turns 8 next week....my BABIES!!! I never really thought that I would move out of this phase of having young, I mean strapped to me young children. It is just one time in my life that has seemed to have lasted an eternity! Good and bad:)

So, if you want to catch up with me I'll be off to coffee with the girls (you know, when I am not scrubbing the toilet, running the lunch I forgot off to school, attending the field trips, I always have to miss... you know the other five minutes of the day.)

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T09:30:00.000-08:00

Stretch yawn... The holidays are over the tree is in the attic, all the decorations have been neatly packed away. The boys enjoyed Christmas to the full extent this year, Cotton is still mourning its' passing and continues to wear a Santa hat, greeting everyone with a cheery "Merry Christmas!"

2010 was a great year! We moved back to my favorite place on earth (which involved miracle upon miracle), I am close to family, and making new friends. I learned to knit (which has not been easy for me), enjoyed learning how to cook with fresh produce (don't gasp, I grew up on mac&cheese, canned corn and hotdogs) my favorite being jam and fresh baked pies...ahhhh....oh and red peppers...yum...found a great yoga studio, and have enjoyed becoming stronger, and more flexible both physically and mentally. If you would have told me at the beginning of this year that I would be standing on my head, and flipping from "down dog" to full "wheel" I would have thought you were insane.

So I am hoping that this next year, is a year of opening myself up to what may be possible. Not accepting what I can do now, but maybe just maybe starting to dream a little bigger, for me for my kids, for life in general. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-21T07:19:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone has an amazing Christmas! We are so ready, too many toys, too much food... a little too much family:) (just kidding). Anyway, enjoy our picture debacle. I think I will have to call in the pros...

Always ready for a good pic...

Happy mullet??? Time for a haircut I think.

Almost if only I didn't face my photophobic child into the sun.

Oh well, they are still sweet, we'll try again next year.

Let Them Be Little

2010-12-17T04:59:00.000-08:00

One of the top diagnostic clinics in my state is taking a wait and see approach, when it comes to autism. They are no longer diagnosing children with milder symptoms until they are around four. I am sure this is not a hard and fast rule, as there are definitely clear cut cases before that age but in general their patients are not getting a label until they are older. IF they need one when they are older. These kids still get funding for therapies, through a medicaid waiver program, that includes all children with a delay in two areas greater than 25% which most kids on the spectrum would have no problem qualifying for. The big downside I see to this is for the folks who do not have insurance coverage, these evals cost upwards of $3000.00 a heavy payment for a giant question mark.

So, why am I talking about it? This is probably an unpopular statement, but I think we have a real problem with labels. I don't think that Cotton's autism is more or less than another persons autism, I just don't understand the justifications of labeling a very young child. As long as the family has support and seeks services for the delays, why slap such a heavy load on such a little person?

Everyone knows that children develop at different rates, but we are not giving our kids a chance to develop at all! What are we doing to our kids? I can only imagine the impact that some of these labels will have on our children as they grow older. I can only imagine what my self concept would be if my mother introduced me as her daughter with SPD, anxiety, and OCD, then proceeded to run down a list of what she was doing to help me, because I of course did not have these labels because she was a bad parent (just an example mom, you are great, and I don't have those labels....just saying.)

I particularly worry about our boys. Boys are different period. Boys are not designed to play pretty princess, and talk for hours with their little dolls. They are made to run, and jump and be LOUD and push and shove, and fight for the right to be alpha (okay maybe not that far.) They can also be shy and reserved, and it will not look the same in a boy as it would in a girl. Then there is the whole area of academics and school, don't get me started.

Of course this comes on the heels of having another child with a speech delay, and while I am not in denial about anything (he is getting therapy), I have no intention of labeling him either. I feel down to the core of my soul that this little boy simply needs time and patience. On one hand he is definitely language delayed, on the other he was effortlessly able to negotiate play with another little boy at the B&N Thomas train table only using the words, uh oh, choo choo, and a grunted "here." He is two, and funny, and charming, and bossy, and ill tempered. He is who he is, and I intend on letting him be that person with no apologies.

Why Landon Charles

2010-12-07T17:24:00.000-08:00

Landon is a unique and lovely little boy, and the most loquacious of my children. His Christmas list, is long and really strange, to include star wars legos, transformers, a map and a globe plus a flashlight...

What exactly do you want to do with these items son?

The most disconcerting is that he wants a magic wand to "poof me into a cow." He actually wrote that on his letter to Santa, I'm very happy that he has in fact been naughty this year and I alone will be saving him from the coal Santa has planned for him and will not include this wand in his holiday loot.

I don't want to be a cow, but you know...it would be low stress... until.... hmmm maybe I should rethink that vegetarian thing again.

Anyway, his fifth birthday is coming up on Sunday. FIFTH! He wants to go bowling because he wants to be a bowler when he grows up, and "needs practice." He has a plan for learning to ride his bike, he likes this practice thing, he wants to keep a journal to keep track, and I keep forgetting. He's definitely the leader of our boys, and he thinks himself a therapist. He has taken it upon himself to teach Rev to speak, and he is actually doing a very good job. Sitting between his brothers in the backseat of our car the other day he told his brothers, about his birthday plans, he exclaimed "ISN"T THAT EXCITING!! SAY YES!

Despite being the leader in many ways, he often forgets that Cotton is bigger than him.

Cotton does not.

He also often forgets that Rev can scream louder than any human on the planet should. Therefore Landon rarely gets his way. He is also the first one to get yelled at, unfortunately he is the only one who can explain what happened.

No wonder he wants to teach his brothers to talk.

He is a really smart little boy, way smarter than I know what to do with. He keeps me on task. Each morning he wakes up....extremely chipper, announces the date, day of the week, and everyones schedule for the day. He argues with me constantly and he often has a good point. I am quickly failing him in the question department, as his incessant questions are far beyond my grasp at the moment (thank goodness for the internet!) His capacity to get in trouble has also surpassed my toddler parenting books, this week he purchased apps for the ipad (how on earth he got my password, I will never know), turned on and watched a movie on netflix (thank goodness again it was care bears.) But still that could of been very bad, fortunately he feels very bad about these discretions and has reminded me to tell Santa that he has already been punished.

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUDDY! MAY ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE......

except for the poofing me into a cow thing.

Little Drummer Boy

2010-12-06T18:35:00.000-08:00

Cotton has a new talent emerging. As I have mentioned many, many times Cotton is obsessed with the Fox Fanfare song. Obsessed seems an inappropriate word, compared to how much he loves this song. It started a couple of years ago while sitting on the couch watching a movie, we hear this small ch ch ch ch chhhhhhh ch coming out of Cotton's nose no less. It was the perfect imitation of a snare drum, I have always found it strange that Cotton has been able to imitate sounds with scary accuracy, but not words..but I digress. It has evolved from there to be something we do ohhh on a minute by minute basis. For some reason Cotton started drumming the intro of the song, on his other obsession, the dryer. Somewhere along the way, one of Cotton's tudors brought over a practice drum kit, et voila he's sittin' on a drum stool tapping out tunes (and looking so darn cute I might add.)

Of course he is going to loves this, it is something we will want to encourage, but annoying enough to drive us that much more insane.....bring..... it.... on.

Perchance To Dream

2010-11-28T18:07:00.001-08:00

One of the most precious things taken from you when your child is given the diagnosis of autism, is the ability to dream. As soon as babies start moving in mama's belly dreaming begins. "Oh he is so active, he will be a football player...Oh she's flipping around like a gymnast in there." This of course continues as the child grows, if the child is smart, athletic, attractive, even if the kid is mediocre, you can still have the happily ever after dream. The reality is that our kids, just like we as parents never really "turn out" the way we imagine, but for a short while, you get to imagine the best case senario. You get to pretend that he is going to marry his pretty little play date, or buy ivy league college sweatshirts if you want. You get to assume that your kid will go to college, and make snide comments about how you hope you are a good enough parent that your kid doesn't end up working at the 7/11. When these conversations take place, my heart aches, because I know if I say anything, I will get that "bless your heart" look that I have no desire to ever see again. We don't get the luxury of dreams like these. I dream of fat special needs trust, and communities, that help our kids live in acceptance offering the help they need to live as independently as possible. I dream of the day my son can have a two sided conversation.

I was recently asked if Cotton would grow up to live on his own. This is a question, I have not only gone over in my head a gazillion times, but have planned for, research and contemplated over and over again. I "know" at least the answer I think is true, (that I can never retire and or die) but my answer to her, was "I don't know." I thought that was weird that I said that. I guess I didn't want to go into it. But it made me think, I really don't know. I haven't even pretended to dream in so long, just affirming that the future may not be set made me feel a little giddy. I want to expect the best, but it hurts so much. Perhaps, I need to give myself a little more freedom, screw the statistics, it is just a dream after all.

Wee Little Update

2010-11-27T19:50:00.001-08:00

This place is loud... and messy, really there are toys everywhere. They are in constant motion, CONSTANT. Rev, the youngest of my crew is about the most agile two year old, I have ever met. Seriously the boy has some gross motor skills. Just try to catch him for a diaper change, I dare you. I don't even gasp anymore, the kid can leap from anything on to anything, he is like a cat. There are baskets and baskets of toys everywhere and yet here I am shopping online for more. Because that is what we do in America.

Thanksgiving was great. We went to St. Louis to see my sister in law, and the kids did well. I mean they were kids, but decent for my boys. Can I just say the ipad saved me!!! I will never ever go to another restaurant without it, Rev waited 45 minutes for his dinner without so much as a peep. I am sure I was being judged, but no less than if he was screaming....I prefer the electronically engaged option. The family was great too, it was the first year we didn't get those creepy questions about how Cotton was doing. They also did not follow him around calling his name and asking him questions that he was never going to answer. Instead they played with him, commented on how much he was saying now, but mostly and most importantly "it" was a non subject. It was nice, and I was thankful:)

Autism in Pictures

2010-11-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

I have always tried to capture those moments with Cotton, you know the clear moments where he is smiling at the camera, hugging his brother, or looking otherwise engaged. But the truth, or at least the whole truth, remains unrecorded. A huge chunk of who he is, is deleted before it sees the light of day. So here is my beautiful son in those moments, you know, the unengaged moments, that he enjoys so much ...

Although he does look a bit annoyed by my intrusion:)

Ode To PRC

2010-11-05T07:16:00.000-07:00

Dear PRC,

You make the best communication devices around. Your Unity 1 hit system is genius, and it has helped my son not only communicate with the device, but communicate verbally as well. We love you. But, there is this really cool thing out there called the ipad. My son loves it. He can do all kids of academicy stuff with it, AND play with it. In case you didn't know anything my son can do that does not involve stacking random stuff into piles is awesome. So, I am just saying, we have the Proloq2go, and frankly I don't like it, and neither does my son. It does not give him nearly the freedom that the unity 1 hit does. So consider making a program for the ipad. It is so cheap, I could keep one at school, and one at home. So light weight, my son would not have to lug his vantage draping over his neck anymore, and so cool, that it does not scream, "hello, I have a disability, talk to me slowly." So if you will, help us out. I know your devices cost $8000 and making an ipad app would be an extreme pay cut, but I am pretty sure you are loosing the market anyway, and thousands of non verbal folks will opt for the cheaper option and miss out on the total awesomeness of your design.

Thank you, have a nice day:)

Rev's Big Boy Room

2010-11-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

Today was a gorgeous rainy fall day, and I decided to face my fear of the sewing machine! I love re doing my kids rooms,( it is kind of a problem). This time I wanted to re do Rev's room in a "Where the Wild Things Are" theme. The only problem was, that I could not find the right bedding. So I decided to make it:) Okay, so it is not even close to perfect, but Rev seem to like it!

Poop, Sleep and Speech

2010-10-05T06:10:00.000-07:00

When I first started this blog, I thought that poop, sleep and speech, might indeed be a better title for it, considering every other post was about one or the other. I am happy to report that at least two of these items, play a very small role in my life these days. Cotton, for the most part sleeps well. The only not so great thing, is that he wakes up very early. Like between five and six every day.... he is a bit confused because he always wakes up the earliest on the weekends. It is one of those unfair problems that I really have no business complaining about considering how bad it was, just a few short years ago (years that have probably decreased my total lifespan!)

Then there is poop. Cotton has (thank you Lord!!) been potty trained for many years. He was relatively speaking, late to potty train, but not all that difficult. But, the fear that he would never potty train certainly made me a bit crazy back then. Landon was actually a bit tougher. I think we put too much pressure on him, because we knew that he understood, and was "choosing" not to use the toilet. So, I am not out of the woods yet, there is still one more. People think, I am kidding, but I don't have any intention on potty training Rev, any time soon. He is so not ready, and I am absolutely not going to push him into it.

Then there is speech..aka...the bane of my existence. We all know Cotton's issues, although he has come sooooo far, it has been a slow, baby step at a time process, and while his communication is "functional" we still have light years to go. Thankfully Landon was born talking. Sometimes so much, I think my head will explode, but I am grateful, that I didn't have to worry about that with him.

Now Rev...Rev,Rev,Rev. We started back with speech therapy, and he is doing well. He is not at all like Cotton, but the fear I have can really just be way too much. I wish his development was more clear cut, but it is not. I have to find a way to let go of that fear, because like it or not, he is who he is. He can say words, mostly things like "up," and "that" or "this" with a beautiful never taken for granted pointed little finger. But, when I compare him to other kids his age, that old wound festers, and throbs, and I fear that my fear will do Rev, more harm than good. I am trying to be patient, and positive. I am trying to hold on to my sanity in the face of what feels like the collapse of all that is good and true. I am trying to accept what is, and not what I want. I am trying. After all, I have made it through many years without sleep, and a mountain of poop, and have not lost my sense of humor. Nose plugs, and caffine can solve a lot of problems.

Home

2010-09-22T12:06:00.000-07:00

I am really loving being back in my home state. This place is gorgeous! So many things to do outdoors. All of the parks have amazing natural shade, and I swear there is a vegetable stand on every corner. Here are a few pics from our recent trip to one of the state parks.... take a look at this HUGE cypress!!

After living in Oklahoma and Kansas for the past 10 years being back among the trees does my heart good.

Cotton's Tale

2010-09-17T06:59:00.000-07:00

Conversation with Cotton...

C: escalator stairs

escalator Mama

escalator Gimmie

Everett stroller

Daddy elevator

Everett elevator

escalator hungry

escalator cookies

lemonade

eye doctor

traslation: The other day we went to the mall after my eye appointment to pick out glasses. Mama, Gimmie and I rode the escalator. An escalator is moving stairs. Everett was in his stroller, so he and Daddy rode the elevator, Then I got hungry, and Gimmie got me cookies and lemonade.

Just the Facts Ma'am

2010-09-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, before I go and totally brow beat someone over the internet, I should really have all the facts. In my defense, there was a complete lack of communication, but, thankfully as it turns out Cotton's school is not so bad. Apparently, the teacher needed to keep all work at school so that a portfolio could be put together, and programs created based on his abilities. Ummm... sorry, I called you hysterical wondering why on earth my son was coloring and taking naps all day. But again in my defense she could have you know mentioned something. So, you know I have an active imagination, what can I say?

In great news, I mean phenomenal news, Cotton was REALLY able to participate in an eye exam (okay minus the whole dialation debacle)! It appears that his vision is really good!!!!!!!! Let me see if I can use the word really again... um... I mean really good!!! The doctor said that we were lucky, and I looked at him a bit bewildered before it started to register, then he quickly added, "you know, in the vision department." I love a doctor with a good sense of humor. Cotton ended up getting glasses... again... opthalmologist don't seem to agree on this, there seems to be some disagreement with wether or not glasses actually help, but we are giving them a go. The first pair only lasted ONE DAY, but luckily the nice folks at Lenscrafters were nice enough to exchange them out for the kind that bounce back after wrapping them around your little finger, trust me we have tested this.

Soccer Mom

2010-09-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

So, I have always kind of dreamed of being a soccer mom. For years I have watched Cotton's peers flaunting their uniforms from the various sports and activities. I have to admit I was jealous. It seemed like everyone was living a life that I was not getting to participate in. Well today, was Landon's frirst soccer game. He was soo cute in his little outfit, it was almost unbearable. I woke up early, loaded snacks, juice, children, and my gigantic double stroller. My husband was crushed because he had to work this weekend, but I was determined to get everyone there dressed and on time! So, I did not account for the forever long train right? No worries we will still make it on time, then oh crap, the parking was a nightmare. Okay, so we may be like two minutes late. Everyone is out, kids in the stroller, cleats are on, and BOOM, rain starts coming down in sheets. No worries, I will not let a little rain stop me. So I push my two kids (including my 50lb 7 year old) in the stroller through thick mud and rocks, while Landon jogged along happily getting soaked. We reach the field and his team, the children ran gleefully around, getting muddier by the minute, but loving every minute.

I stood there ill prepared in my t-shirt and shorts freezing! But ready to go. Then the other team never showed up. Then the rain came down harder. Then even harder. Then I hiked back to my minivan in thicker mud and giant puddles. Loaded the kids back up, got in my van, turned on the heat, and watched a movie for 45 minutes until traffic cleared out. I sarcastically asked Landon how he liked his first game. "It was AWESOME," was his response. Today, I am officially a soccer mom.

Making Friends.

2010-09-09T05:24:00.000-07:00

Hey, How's it going? I haven't been here in a while. Sorry, I've been knitting. What you say? I know it is trendy, but I met some ladies and they knit. Damn, that peer pressure. It wasn't my fault exactly. I ran into the exchange pilots from England, and a friend I knew from Oklahoma (small world, weird story, stick around, I will tell it later.) The Scottish woman (from Engalnd, another long story) is like a master knitter, she started talking and I kept nodding, because I only understood every third word. So, now somehow I am knitting... The group is hilarious, half of them are tipsy, half are sipping lattes. Those of us sipping lattes formed a Bible study, I kept my Baileys to myself:)

I really like it though. It keeps my hands busy, and from checking facebook, every 10 minutes. Because I could really use 10 minutes without reading about how much better, and or worse your life is than mine. Not that I don't love facebook, but I am pretty sure it may be a soul sucking pit.

I've also met some friends on the spectrum side of the fence. They are very serious people. Half are talking law, the other talking science. I discovered jokes about autism, and or albinism, are not funny in this crowd. But they seem like good people to know. Baileys helps with this group as well.

It's the Little Things

2010-08-16T09:15:00.001-07:00

Cotton's compassion continues to unfold. It is so strange, an completely unexpected. He pays attention to such little details. This morning Landon was swallowing down his giant vitamin (really gross, but if you saw my last post you will know why I make them take them) Landon chews his vitamin which is even more gross, but he started to cough, and Cotton came up to him with a glass of water and held it to his lips for him to drink. He is helping me get Rev out of bed in the morning and stroking his hair as I change his diaper saying "oh Everett," over and over softly to his little brother. He is also picking out things I didn't know he knew. We were sorting laundry (I always help with this part), but he completely separated all the clothes on his own. He knew exactly where the went. I was shocked. He also started putting clothes away, and in the right drawers???

Along with this new interest in feelings, comes new feelings of his own. One of his ABA tudors is leaving to go back to school. Cotton cried for her all Friday. "Ms. Memema," over and over with crocodile tears running down his cheeks. I tried to explain, but if he understood he didn't let me know. I* think* we have finally found a good balance with his meds. I think this may have something to do with his recent advances.

Helping our kids with autism is like making soup. There really isn't a recipe to follow, just throw in a little of this, and a little of that as needed. Use what you have, serve hot. The flavor will always surprise you.

Confessions of a Modern Mom

2010-08-14T19:27:00.000-07:00

My kids have regular orders at Sonic. Seriously Landon is going through all the flavors you can mix with root beer. The first words out of his mouth when I pick him up from school are "can we go to Sonic?" Cotton repeats what he eats at the fast food restaurants, as we pass them. If we go out to a real restaurant, Cotton will repetitively say "McDonald's french fries and chicken nuggets," in protest to the inferior french fries of where ever we happen to be. Once, we went to Einstein Brothers for breakfast, and he did not stop saying "pancakes, McDonalds" until we left the restaurant. He also repeated this on his talker for emphasis.

For the record, we did the whole gfcf, sf and cf DAN! protocol for two years. I am not sure why, but I feel like I should mention that here.

The second thing that comes out of Landon's mouth when I pick him up is "can I play the Wii?" and then quickly follows with "with Cotton?" because he KNOWS I live to watch my kids play together. Especially because Rev likes to play along too, only he uses a hairbrush instead of a controller (really cute by the way).

They watch a lot of TV, but only because it is summer and like a million degrees outside. Usually I try to limit, but lately it has been a steady diet of TV, video games, and of course Sonic.

We make frozen pizzas, and chicken nuggets and don't judge, easy fries on a weekly (daily) basis (if you don't know what easy fries are, you are just plain better off). I use household cleaners with chemicals, because well, you should see the damage that three little boys can do to a bathroom.

I am really, really looking forward to school starting this week. I may do a happy dance or two, and I won't even weep as Cotton gleefully runs to his bus in the mornings (he is looking forward to it as well). In fact I will probably go back to sleep until the other boys wake up. That means I have no problem putting him on the bus in my pjs.

I also feel like I must mention that my kids do eat fruits and veggies ( with their french fries). Come up for air between video games from time to time, and do not ever have access to chemical cleaners (that's a joke). I also use cloth diapers, and reusable grocery bags so you know I am not a total heathen (not that there is anything wrong with heathens).

So there you have it, glad to get that off my chest... ahhh I feel better:P

Now for Something Completely Different

2010-08-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

I have no words for what has been going on here the last few weeks. It is like a light has gone off, and I am almost scared to say anything for fear of it going away. But (you should sit) Cotton is actually playing, not only with toys, but...WITH HIS BROTHERS, appropriately!!! I have tons of pictures, but alas, I left my camera at my moms, so you will have to wait. As I am writing this he is playing the Wii with Landon. This weekend the two of them stood by the side of the of the pool and jumped in unison for over an hour. Cotton would count "uh, dooo, eeee, go!" and they would jump in with a big splash at the same time. Their little feet were bleeding by the end of it, they were having so much fun together.

Not only is he playing, but he seems to have developed... compassion. I seriously have no idea where this is coming from. When Rev or Landon cry, he goes over to them rubs their chest (to sign sorry) hugs them, and rubs their hair...What!?! He has been getting them their drinks in the morning, and pouring syrup on their pancakes. He then slowly walks the plate over to their place, and with a big smile on his face, leads them to their chairs.

Okay, so I hope I haven't totally jinxed myself but this is totally amazing!

Fishing

2010-08-04T18:10:00.000-07:00

Landon has taken a keen interest (ahem, obsession) in fishing. He is a little like Forest Gump these days, "bigmouth bass, blue gill, long nose gar....mom, can I catch a catfish?"

The one thing he does not know about fish, is that they don't exactly just bite your line the minute you put it in the water.

Especially when you bring along this character...( sorry dear, I will redeem you in a moment.)

We did not catch any fish in case you were wondering.... but the trip tied in nicely with our book for the week "Run Away Bunny"

"Look mother dear, there are the sail boats just like in the book we are reading this week, way to generalize the experience!" Or rather he actually said "dis (this)" and signed boat, but a mother can dream.

There was also "mountain climbing."

And sweet moments.... but no fish. Sorry bud.

Laundry

2010-07-31T20:12:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned how much Cotton loves laundry....

Did I mention that he does this all by himself except folding....

Oh, and did I mention that "folding laundry" is one of his new IEP goals:) I love this kid.

When the Dust Settles

2010-07-28T21:02:00.001-07:00

Moving is exciting, having moved, is a bit disconcerting. My house is empty. Well, full of my children, but we are so use to having a house brimming with friends. On my grill sits six lonely cheese burgers, and I made a gallon of potato salad, that only my husband and I will eat. We are enjoying our family, but I would be lying if I didn't admit how much I miss my friends. It takes a while to make friends after a move, and then it happens slowly (or maybe that is just me:) I love how many people I have been fortunate enough to meet in this military life, but there is part of me that would love to stay in one spot, and cultivate, you know something.

Having grown up a military brat, I once calculated that it took an entire year to make a "real friend." I think that holds true for me even today, unless you are lucky enough to move to a place that you already have friends, which was the case in Oklahoma. But, now we are in a different world, and everything is different, and my husband is in training, so we are not officially part of a squadron etc. etc. etc. So there is all this time waiting, and this big empty house ready to have people over. I hope I do not sound like I am wallowing in self pity, I know that friends are "in the wings" it is only a matter of time, but for now thank goodness for facebook, and good friends that still call you everyday to keep you updated on what use to be your life.

Progress

2010-07-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

Why does Cotton have language explosions in the summer? It is so weird but the sentences, yes, I said sentences are just pouring out of him. (okay so they are not perfectly grammatical, but they get the point across.) If his articulation was better, he would be a pretty verbal kid. We have also seen the manifestation of a lot of scripting. He has never really done this before, but I think this is also a leap forward. Of course at this point Landon has to translate the scripts for him, because he knows all the cartoon catch phrases lol. But he is even starting to use those somewhat appropriately, for example when breakfast is ready he will say "Sid it's breakfast time!"

The only hard part about this, and I have talked a little about it before, is Cotton on meds, vs. Cotton off meds. Cotton on meds. can do a LOT more, but he says a lot less. Cotton off meds, can say so much more, but can focus and do so much less. We are going back to the doctor, and hoping to find a balance, I just don't know if there is one, but I am really hoping so. Either way it is always good to see how my son continues to grow in communication. At one point they told me if he did not talk by the age of five, it would probably not happen. I remember thinking when he turned five it would all be over, but steadily and gradually he continues to learn.

The Case of the Paci Thief

2010-07-24T06:55:00.000-07:00

It is no secret that Rev is a paci addict. I in my infinite wisdom, I restrict him to only having the paci at bedtime. In fact it is one of the few reasons he goes to bed without complaint. A simple "night, night?" from me, is received with a resounding "PA, PA" (which if you couldn't figure out is his name for said addiction.) At any rate, I usually take it out of his mouth and hide it high enough that he can't get to it, then distract him so he forgets about it. Well lately every time I turn around, he has it again! "Impossible," I think, and immediately blame Landon, who basically rolls his eyes at me and says "I'm not getting his paci." So the other day I see one sneaky white haired boy dive into Rev's crib, suspicious, I see him fetch the paci, hold it up and laugh hysterically. The offender then jumps out of the crib, and gallantly hands the reward to his joyful brother. Giggling all the way he runs out of the room and straight into me, at which points he yells, "damn it," (not my fault that he knows this word, just for the record) more giggles because he knows he is not suppose to say that, and corrects himself with "Oh man!" He knows the jig is up, and he can't stop laughing, he looks at me and says "Everett paci!" So, not only was he sneaking, cussing and going behind my back, he even threw his brother under the bus at the end to save himself. I could not be more proud:)

Please People

2010-07-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

Cotton is absolutely loving his new tudors (all except the grandma, I fired her after her first day...long story). It makes my heart happy to hear them laughing and playing around the house. It also frees me up to be with Landon and Rev, and while I will never ever not feel guilty about that, I have decided to put that aside and enjoy it. There is no normal, I can't make everything right, and I am most certainly not perfect. We have put a strong emphasis on Cotton's sensory needs in our program, and I am just thrilled at how quickly the ladies are picking up on what he needs. Seriously, anyone willing to jump on a trampoline in 97 degree temperatures gets my full respect.

Speaking of the "grandma" .... This my friends, appears to be my season to learn how to stand up for myself. I have seriously had so many weird and unexpected things happen in the last few weeks. I have always believed that challenges come into your life to help you grow, and while, these "issues" are not really big deals, they have made me realize that I am a hopeless people pleaser. I really, really don't want to be that person that is always making waves, but eventually you have to stop apologizing for drawing breath. I hope this is not a warning of what is ahead considering my meeting with the school is not until next month, but if it is, I guess I am getting plenty of prep.

Reality

2010-07-13T18:54:00.000-07:00

I am getting to know the new fixtures in our house. The three women that will be tudoring my son this year. Two are young, freshly graduated from college, eager, energetic, and did I mention young :P The third, I haven't quite figured out, she is a grandmother, and a nurse, definitely a nice lady, and she has more experience than the others. Cotton is sinking in nicely to his new schedule. He has been craving it for a long time. I don't know how, but he could literally go all day. The best part of his new program, is that insurance for the first time, is paying for all of it! They are even flying the bcba out once a month for training. It is a pretty sweet deal.

There you have it, the divide between how I want things to be, and how they are. At the end of the school year, I was ready to go. Cotton had his own plans, he learns his own way, and unfortunately, I um.. am not the best teacher ever:) He needs consistency to a fault, and he needs repetition at nauseum. To top it off he needs someone who is firm, not mean, but someone that he cannot BS. Because, I love the guy, but if he can pull one over on you, trust me he will. I'm not letting myself off the hook, being a mother is being a teacher, but consistent.... ummm... well.... if there were more than one of me, I would be:)

So as much as I would love to be super mom, it is not going to happen. I need help, and I am really, really glad to be getting it. Things have been chaotic around here lately. Cotton has taken a giant developmental leap, in that he has become VERY interested in playing with other kids, especially his brothers, but the problem is that it is very inappropriate, and usually ends with someone getting hurt. The irony is, that he is playing with his brothers exactly how we have played with him for years. He is being playfully disruptive to pull them into interaction, Dr. Greenspan would be proud. Unfortunately, his brothers usually respond by screaming at him, then, Cotton tries to quiet them, by sitting on their head.

Too Much

2010-07-12T18:28:00.000-07:00

I just don't want to think anymore. I am so tired, every time I try to write a post, it comes out like a bunch of whiney excuses. So here is my whiney post, if you have a weak stomach feel free to skip this one.

First, we have been loving our new house, and our new town, until this week. All over a shed. We got our shed delivered on the same day that we got a letter from the developer of our sub division. The letter stating that she (guardian of all that is evil) had to approve all out buildings. As our shed was being delivered, she raced up to our house, and started attacking us. Three angry phone calls, and a city violation later, we now have to put siding on a perfectly good wood shed. We hate her, and right now, hate this neighborhood. I am tired of fighting, because this week that is all I have been doing. Wishing ill will on another takes a lot out of you, and while I am usually a "turn the other cheek" kind of girl there are just some people that deserve a little fist shaking. jerk.

Second, I am putting together an ABA program for Wyatt. We need a little help, and this sort of just fell in my lap. Our bcba is from New York, so he has had to fly in several times this month, to train the new tudors. So far, I like them all, I like him, his philosophy, and how he treats us and especially Cotton, like this is the most normal thing ever.

Third, I have to figure out what preschool to put Landon in this year. I don't know enough about this place to make a good decision. I just haven't found the right fit. Private is expensive, and public, is all day every day. Can't there be a happy medium? We looved his old pre school, and I was hoping to find something like it, but so far, I haven't been blown away by any of it.

Last, but not least there is Rev. I wish I could just erase all the worry I have about him. Despite his increase in speech over the last month our so, I still need to get him back in a ST. Do I go through EI, or do private therapy. Do I only get ST (which is the only thing he needs right now) or do I go for more? I just can't think anymore. I know I will laugh at myself for writing this, but can't life just be easier? Just for a little while?

Pool Envy

2010-06-12T14:42:00.001-07:00

So I must admit, I am completely jealous of pool moms. I don't really know how the rest of the world does it, but apparently other moms are able to take all of their kids to the pool, and get this sit in a chair and watch them swim. Of course you have other moms there to talk to, and nobody dies or anything. It sounds great, I am just sayin'. There are lots of things you don't think about having a special family. Like Cotton is too big for the baby pool now, and for some reason the other moms don't like him splashing and crushing their delicate toddlers. Another little thing that has been creeping up, is the bathroom. Cotton is getting too old to use the women's bathroom. So when I am out with all three, and I have to go (which happens a lot because I was born with the worlds smallest bladder) what exactly do I do with my little..er...big guy? So, if you have the answer I will be in back yard next to our gigantic blow up pool, dreaming that I am actually at the base pool, you know talking to other people.

Looking back

2010-06-10T19:55:00.001-07:00

I am not a person that looks back, not about my own life, not ever really. I am not in anyway retrospective, the past is the past and there is nothing I can do about that. I am painfully decisive, (okay in regards other than Cotton) I literally tried on three wedding dresses before making a final decision, I bought this house within 2 days of looking and that is pretty much how I roll. So, that being said, my husband and I have been married for 10 years and it just makes me think, where have I been again? My husband and I, have actually been together for 14 years. I met him the day after I arrived at the University of Arkansas. I had transfered form a small school in Virginia, and why I chose the U of A is still unclear, I simply remember thinking yup, that is the one. The only reason I went to the college in Virginia is because it was mentioned at the lunch table by a few fellow seniors as a consideration for them. I sent off two college applications, because, that's how I roll lol. That year my senior year aka the year of haze and loneliness, I am surprised I made a decision at all. We had moved that year from Georgia, my dad was in the military and he had taken a remote to Korea in order to extend our stay in Georgia. When he came back, we HAD to move and in one week I had lost my boyfriend, my best friend, my car, and my mom even gave our dog to the maid.

So back to my hubs, I was in the dining hall, with a girl I had met down the hall the day before, who happened to know my husband, because well let's just say she was a fan of the football team. (not particularly my husband of course;) So we sat down, with the football team. I was 19 and there he was, he was wearing a grey Arkansas shirt, the one he wore today, only now it is so thin you can see through it and the back is ripped out, but you know he was mowing the lawn, so it's all good. He saw me and his best friend immediately took a liking to me.... of course. To be fair his friend was a nice guy, but I am pretty sure he weighed over 300 lbs. he had a tray full of chicken nuggets and a cereal bowl full of ranch dressing... I kid you not. I jiggled his fat, and for some reason this was an old joke, and a sign from the gods. The tradition was, that if he ever met someone that would jiggle his fat, she was meant to be his wife. Don't ask my why I jiggled his fat, I only remember my husband and him rolling on the ground and giving each other high fives. After some himming and hawing, over what the gods meant by their sign, my husband and I got together a month or so later, and have been together ever since. You see once I make a decision, I rarely look back lol.

Rowing... sort of

2010-06-05T19:11:00.000-07:00

This summer like most summers we will be doing some academic catch up of sorts. Not that I ever think there is a point that we will catch up to, but there are a few things I want to fine tune before the next school year. My priorities are on most occasions highly different than that of the schools (not that either are wrong, or unimportant). My kids are all at different stages, Landon is way ahead, Rev is two (you know), and Cotton cannot accurately be defined by an age. Binding it all together in a day that is both organized and stimulating for all of them is difficult. I have decided to follow (loosely the Five in a Row home schooling curriculum.) I say loosely because while I loooove the books they have outlined they aren't all a perfect fit for my boys. We started this week with Blueberries for Sal, and did one thing a day revolving around Blueberries. Tomorrow we will be trying our hands at canning. Wish us luck. It went pretty well and I like the no pressure approach. The next few books I have in mind will not be from the five in a row list, but hopefully have the same spirit, considering my boys love space (Landon) and Laundry (take a wild guess) I will have to be bit more creative. My hope is that experiencing these books will be helpful to the kids in the different stages that they are in. Landon will be able to explore things on a deeper level, Cotton will hopefully begin to get a feel for content, and Rev, will just enjoy the process.

As for the academic stuff, we are sticking to the basics. Let's face it folks, I have no intention of cutting out blueberries and making up counting games, I am just not that into it. So we are sticking with math on the computer, and worksheets..(imagine Cotton rolling his eyes), coupled with a healthy dose of math in our every day living..ie cooking, and of course laundry:) and Bob books for reading. Both Cotton and Landon are basic readers, I am pretty sure that they will fly through the books, but I chose these books because I really felt that they would serve a dual purpose for Cotton, improving reading skills, and articulation which continues to be a big issue for him. I plan on keeping it light, nothing that cannot be done during Rev's nap.

I am really hoping not to repeat last summer, it was stressful and disjointed, and I felt so overwhelmed. I am hoping to keep a nice rhythm to the day, and my sanity to boot.

I Got Nothin'

2010-05-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

Landon's rendition of "Swimming With Gloria"

So that is pretty much it, nothing to blog about really. We bought a new house, close on this one on Thur. Have endured another round of pink eye/ ear infections, marveled at the fact that the doctors on base refuse to prescribe antibiotics of any kind including for pink eye. Luckily I have connections and at the very least I got pink eye meds. because really doc how DO you tell the difference between bacterial and viral pink eye, AND how exactly do you get rid of it if everyone just keeps passing it around. Okay, I am done with that topic. We have been camping in our house for about a month now, it's all cool, just a few delays, and thank God, my husband wanted to do a partial move otherwise it would be air mattress city. Cotton is thrilled to have had the week off, due to illness, so much so that today he told his teacher "eye hurt", "ear hurt" to which the teacher asked him if his eye and ear hurt, and he dutifully replied "yes." As in I just answered a yes no question properly.... I am thinking about alerting the media. Needless to say despite the fact that NOTHING is actually wrong with him we picked him up from school.

Speaking of school I'm a little uninspired by the last half of the year. There may be many factors that have led up to this, but Cotton's teacher was nice enough to put together a packet for Cotton's new school. On top it had a letter, a very unimpressive, heart stopping, bathroom crying, report of my son's ineptness. The part that sticks in my throat the most is that she said, "Cotton carries a communication device around with him, although he has never spontaneously used it." So all the training I made you attend, and all the times I came up to the school to demonstrate what Cotton could do ummm.... don't count, and let's not forget that he does half of his school work on it???? I'm pretty pissed to be honest, and what sucks worse is, that they never were able to see what Cotton can really do!!! This is something that will 100% be remedied at the next school, as in we do this, or nothing else. Because frankly, you don't know much about him, if he can't, or more likely won't communicate with you. I take full blame, there were a few times I went up to the school and his device was neatly placed in his cubby, because the other kids would not leave it alone.. gggrrr... I should have stopped that then and there.... I'm just mad at myself, and the school. They work hard, I know this, they can't do everything, I know this, but it just feels like we missed out on a really big opportunity this year. We are taking the summer off from all school, and or theraputic endeavors. We all need a break.

But, other than that small bump things are good, and we are sooo looking forward to summer. One week of school left and it is on with the rest of it. Landon is so excited to go fishing, and camping, and swimming, and I could go on, he has a long list. I love the ages my kids are at right now, they are old enough that we have more freedom with what we can do, but young enough to still thoroughly enjoy our company.

Let the Games Begin

2010-04-08T19:14:00.000-07:00

Yay, we sold our house... and now... we have to move... away, from our friends, our schools, our schedules, and all conceived security. Which for me is, you know, scary, for Landon, well he is thrilled because he gets a space room at the new house, Rev has no clue and will yell at us either way, my husband is frustrated, and Cotton ohhhhhhhhh Cotton. Change is going to take a while. I know it is coming. I know it is going to be rough, what I don't know is how to help him. I have been reading a "moving" social story, we have a calendar with big red x marks all over it. This is great for Landon, Cotton is not interested at least that is how it appears. So, one breath at a time. We are slowing down slooowly, we have already packed up a few things, and I am decreasing his private therapy (he needs a break anyway). Maybe he won't even notice haahahaha! The hard part is keeping myself together when he falls apart, and that is not easy to do when you are living in a temporary living facility. But, we are only given the strength to tackle what is in front of us today. God, will never give you strength to worry about what might be, so right now, all is well, and tomorrow will be dealt with then.

My Little Viking!

2010-04-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

Can you believe this adorable little boy will be 2 on Friday!! What a ride it has been so far. True to his heritage he has a quick temper, and a love for food! He barrels through his day, and takes no prisoners, but he can also be the cuddliest teddy bear you will ever meet. He is right in the middle of everything and keeps up with Landon no matter what or where they are going. HE IS TOUGH. He loves books, and he really loves sleep (yup my kid). Rev's number one motto is "let me do it," and his number two motto is "get me outside....now." He is a man of few words, which of course has me nervous, but he's been in speech a few months now, and he is progressing rapidly. I am not really THAT worried though, because he has no problem communicating, and all other areas look great.. you know, but still. So happy birthday to my little man, who keeps me running, and catching and cleaning and laughing.

Pilot Training

2010-03-31T18:37:00.000-07:00

We recently had the opportunity to tour the KC 135!

Pay close attention folks you are probably looking at the future defenders of your freedom...

Be afraid...

Be VERY afraid...

What They Must Think...

2010-03-29T19:51:00.000-07:00

We were at the park today, the house was being shown again. It was a warm day and there were a lot of kids there. All the movement was making Cotton anxious, and his verbal stimming was gaining attention. Everyone respectfully ignored us, they all know Cotton, so I didn't have to explain. I was watching a friend's child while she ran a quick errand, and I couldn't just leave, but things were quickly getting out of hand. His body was rigid, and his face was pained and he kept repeating "Daddy grandma." I started to gather the kids, and head somewhere out of the way, but he was getting louder and louder, I quickly said to him "we are all done now." Usually that calms him, but not this time. He squealed and his body bowed with tension, he started speaking an unknown language loudly. I grabbed him wrapped him in my arms, and told him it was okay until his body relaxed and he was ready to walk again. Meanwhile Rev, had made his way to the other side of the park, I needed to sprint after him, but I couldn't, if I left Cotton it would get worse. I sent Landon to get his brother, or at least catch up with him until I could get there. Dragging Cotton behind me, still stiff and sobbing, I caught up to Rev, who was gleefully playing a keep away game. Landon was doing a good job of impersonating a grown up, and I was slowly screaming inside "please God, please get me out of here." But Alas, my lesson in humility lasted for what felt like 2 hours. So, I scoop up Rev, who was now screaming at me, and pull Cotton behind me as he stiffly jogs to keep up. Landon is now crying, because he can, and the little girl I was watching was sweetly saying, "I don't want to leave."

I walked shamefully to my car waited for my friend, and drove home. The fallout continued at home, but at least it was private. As I was leaving I thought about those beautiful people at the park and what they must think of me. Of my family, of my parenting. I thought how stupid I was for putting Cotton in that situation, and how horrible it was to rely on my four year old to help me with my two year old, and just how messed up things could get. But, mostly I thought how awful I looked, panicked and embarrassed, disheveled, pulling and carrying with a strength that can only come out of necessity and adrenaline. Do they feel sorry for me, embarrassed for me, or just plain thankful it isn't them?

The Rolling Tide

2010-03-25T11:07:00.000-07:00

I typically think of life as linear. Moving forward toward some unknown goal, but in reality, I think things are much more circular. Progress, happiness, depression, elation, love, all seem to roll over us like a powerful tide, only to retreat as quickly as it comes. We have been in a lull of sorts with Cotton lately. He's just been out of it, and has wanted to be alone a lot lately. This sort of thing use to freak me out, but I have learned that this is simply him gaining momentum. These periods vary in length, but they are always followed by a crashing, knock you off your feet wave of progress.

We left the boys with my folks for a day over spring break. When we returned Cotton said "feel sad" on his talker. This was the first time he had ever shared or was able to identify one of his emotions. It was really excited. When we got home from our trip, Cotton busts out a sentence verbally!!! "I want see retainer" (I have a retainer behind my bottom teeth and Cotton is fascinated by it??) Then this morning, I handed him his pancakes, and he smiled at me and said verbally "I am happy!" and he was. Then he said "I am sad Mason. Mason crying" Which is true, his friend Mason has had a tough week. So not only is he identifying his emotions, but other peoples emotions....WHAT??!?!? AND telling me about it in verbal sentences!!!! THEN I get a call this morning from his school. His aide told me that Cotton had told her that his "eye hurt." We think he has been having allergy headaches, he will grab his head and just look uncomfortable. So I asked her, i"s he doing that "head thing again?" She said no, he said verbally "eye hurt." This is a lot for one week. I so wish there was a rhyme or reason to these periods of progress, but there just isn't. Fortunately he usually retains most of what he learns during these periods, so even when the tide turns, it will still be there. I don't know how long this will last, but to say the least... I am happy:)

Meds

2010-03-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged about this yet, because it can be such a controversial subject, and rightly so, Putting your child on medication is an extremely tough decision. One year ago, we started our journey. Last year after Cotton's evaluation, the doctor recommended a trial on an ADHD medication. We had wrestled with this decision for a really long time, and decided to try it. We started with the short release kind, and had good result, then we had to "tinker" with the all day kind, one brand gave Cotton anxiety, the next brand we tried was a good fit.

So here are the pros and cons. The pros, Cotton without meds is a sensory mess. Jumping flapping, throwing himself around, and absolutely zero impulse control. Not to mention the NEVER ENDING VOCAL STIMS!!! He is not little anymore, I can't put him in a stroller or hold his hand, or even hold him down anymore. When he sees a button, HE MUST PUSH IT. With the meds he is calm, he has much better impulse control, he is not as sensory seeking, and can focus on a task, follow direction, and resist the urge to flee:)

The cons, and this is a big one. He is flat, he is not the jumpy happy, joyful ball of fun, that he is off the meds. He is quiet, the vocal stims decrease significantly, but so does the purposeful communication. He is not a total zombie or anything, but less goofy for sure. So, do the pros outweigh the cons? Right now, yes. The meds work for school, keeps him focused and able to function. They give the family the freedom to go to church, restaurants etc. without the effort that it once took to keep him regulated. In the evenings when the meds wear off, he is his normal bouncey little self. I admit I miss the goofiness during day, I worry that he is too flat, but really the benefits are worth it. He asks for his medication, he knows the difference. I can't honestly say whether we have made the right choice, but it is what we have chosen.

Round and Round the Mulberry Bush

2010-03-04T19:32:00.000-08:00

Oh for the love of Pete! Every week we get spelling words, It's good, it's really good, Cotton can spell (which is the only thing he is using his talker for at school...gggrrrrr.... another post). But, they send home the words in groups like short "a" words etc. Except, Cotton can't hear. Well, functionally he can hear, but really he can't. So I say spell "in" and he spells "n" well duh, but then "spell him...."m". Sheesh, okay spell "his", great he can spell it, now spell "is".... here we go again. It is another piece though, another piece to understanding why he can and can't do what he can and can't do, and why language in general just doesn't compute. Good thing he is not legally blind or anything, that would really suck if he couldn't read facial expressions or interpret non verbal language:P I am being sarcastic of course, but just a reminder of how hard it must be for him. How confusing it must be for him. But still, he doesn't even blink, he is seriously the most patient person I have ever met. He just keeps trying, and trying, and it just makes me so proud, and a little sad, that it can't be easier for someone so worth it.

The Wild Ride

2010-02-25T18:23:00.000-08:00

This post makes my very sad to write. We finally got our final orders, although in the military there is no such thing as final, but we are not moving to the beach. We are moving somewhere much better, at least in my heart, and this part makes me extremely happy. But, as the date draws closer I get a lump in my throat thinking about what we will be leaving behind. Namely, Cotton's best friend. Never a more unlikely pair will you ever meet, but watching them play, is like magic. I never thought my son would have a friend, at least not in the real sense, but he does, and my heart breaks to know that we will be leaving him behind. Not only for my son, but for his friend, who will miss him terribly. They are truly yen and yang, and I know I have mentioned their friendship on here before, but it has been a huge part of our lives for the last three years.

I hope that he can forge another friendship where we are going, but we are sooo very lucky to have had this one, hopefully with the help of skype and some road trips it will continue. But for now, I am sad and grateful, in the bittersweet life that we lead as a military family.

Roger That Captain Kangaroo

2010-02-13T07:04:00.000-08:00

I just wish I could see what is in that little brain?! The way he sees the world is just so completely different than the rest of us, and I mean that in a nice way. The more he can communicate the more I realize why it is so hard for him to do so. It took me two days to figure out that "circle W" was his new obsession "Wonderpets" and in case you are wondering how those two relate, look on the Wonderpet,s capes. It gets even more cryptic, a few weeks ago he came to me pointing to his eye and saying ACA (Ladon's old school), he was very persistent, and so eventually we figured out he had an ear infection. Landon had pink eye (for about a month) and I would put eye drops in his eye while wearing his ACA shirt, sooo Cotton wanted drops for his ear to make it feel better.... duuuh:) Speaking of eyes, he totally does not understand the use of "I" he only sees it as "eye," and is confused as to why I want him to say it in front of everything. On his talker he has the word "I" on the homepage, but he insist on going three screens over to body parts, and pushing the "eye" key, so it reads "eye want to jump, sleep" (are you catching on yet? I want to jump on the bed).

So last night we went to a friends birthday party at the pool. This morning he wakes up and says "Happy Birthday, Wonderpets, yours (which means mine) pool. Pretty sure we will have his 7th birthday party at the pool this year.... circle W.

No Mr. Frost, I Want To Take The Well Traveled Path!!

2010-02-09T20:01:00.000-08:00

There is a machine waiting, an army of SLPs, OTs and PTs, BCBAs and a thousand different acronyms waiting. They want to help you yes, but make no mistake they are selling you something too. The business of autism is greedy, just ask any mom that has put her child on any number of diets also barring fancy acronyms, or filled their cabinets with vitamins minerals, antifungals and the sort. I am not even sure how this machine came about, but my guess is somewhere along the line they offered hope. I know in the beginning I would have done anything to not go through this, to not have my child go through this, and I did everything. I completely blindly handed my son over to the machine. I watch him through glass windows, and video monitors while others played with him, and drilled him, and drilled him. They were all nice people they all wanted to do their job and it helped.... right. Did it help? I ask myself that from time to time. Apparently there are studies that indicate that "early intervention" is definitely making an impact on the lives of those living with autism. Yet, the job rate for those even "mildly" effected with the disorder is around 3%. So, what are we trying to do? What outcome do we want with our kids. What do we want to leave them with, will my son be a success if he can bag groceries, and partially run his own apartment? Is he any less of a success if he cannot?

I question myself from time to time, because I am no longer a "mother warrior" trying to save her son. I am a mom with three sons trying to keep my head above water most of the time. I see Cotton for who he is and for the most part I am largely okay with it, good, bad and everything between. There are "behaviors" that we focus on from time to time because they interfere with daily life or others personal space, but really we are just us. I guess some have referred to it as a "new normal", but I really would not know any different. Life for us has certainly gotten easier but, I wouldn't say that it had because of our time in the machine. Cotton got older, got wiser, and so did his mom. We learn and grow because that is what humans do. I wonder what life will look like in the future. I wonder if we will lament what we did not do or should have done. I wonder if the kids of uber moms will really be better off, or if they will be worse off for never being allowed to be?

Even among mom's with kids on the spectrum there is no agreement. Each side attacking the other, because there is a lot at stake. We have to try our best, and at the same time, we have to live our lives. Eventually you can't go anymore, and you just keep asking yourself is there really a finish line in this parenting thing? Hmmmm... maybe I should call my mom and see what she thinks.....:)

In Praise of Slowness

2010-02-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

I just finished this book "Under Pressure: Rescuing Our Children from the Culture of Hyper-Parenting" by Carl Honore It was pretty good, although no groundbreaking information. I thought it was very interesting how we all need permission to step out of our kids lives. With my first child having significant issues in socialization, right from the start, I was in his face. Literally, all hours of the day were gently spent coaxing him into interaction. When Landon came along, I never gave him a second to breath. I carried him everywhere in my trusty sling, making every opportunity a learning moment. I never considered the time spent apart to be very significant to his development, although I did remember that my own parents spent a lot of time with us, but not really playing with us per se. Anyway, this book points out that parents often get in the way of a lot of learning and enjoyment, by trying to control everything, and make it a teaching moment, and ultimately all about the parent. Playing on ones own lends itself to greater creativity, problem solving, and social adeptness. If mom is not shouting over your shoulder to share every minute, you might decide to do so yourself if it will make your little brother stop screaming:)

I have found this to be true, by stepping back and letting my kids play, I find their imagination is much more spontaneous. I love to be in control, and I think it is time to step out of their world, and let them create their own. Even Cotton who does not have an obvious imagination has intricate and interesting "games" when he is left to his own devices. Lately he is taking all the stray leaves in the back yard and making dozens of piles (you know how he loves piles), then he moves all the piles onto the trampoline and all the kids jump them into oblivion. Landon is a late bloomer in the realm of full fledge imaginary play, he is now making up for lost time, and spends hours in imaginary worlds, and situations. Rev is his trusty sidekick, while not able to come up with things on his own yet, he is happy to be involved in whatever his big brother is constructing. The other day the boys were playing with chalk on the back porch, I was watching from the window (scandalous I know) Rev fell on Landon and the chalk broke in half, Landon of course freaked and pushed his brother, I resisted every instinct to run out there and solve this for them. At first I thought this is hopeless then Landon gave his brother a piece of chalk to make him stop crying and Cotton ran over took Rev's hand, and made him sign sorry...lol I don't have to say of course there are plenty of times a parent should jump in, and absolutely spend time with your kids....yada yada... but sometimes it is fun to just watch and see what they come up with.

Ice, Ice, Baby...

2010-02-05T12:43:00.000-08:00

We have had a crazy week. Last Thursday we had an ice storm that shut down the entire town for 6 days! The first night was pretty fun, we had lost power, so we put a bunch of mattresses together by the fireplace, and the kids went wild.

I am pretty sure the kids would love this set up permanently, but let's just say between the wiggling bodies and Cotton's 2 am serenade, dad and I did not get the best night sleep. The next morning I promptly announced our impromptu vacation. My sister was awesome enough to take us all in for the week, it's wonderful to have her so close. She basically gave us an entire floor of her house. So really we made out well. It was nice to stop our busy lives for a while and spend some time together. The kids spent hours at the fantastic parks my sister has in her neighborhood, the whole neighborhood has a medieval theme, so they crawled through the tunnels of underground dungeons, and rode on the backs of dragons. Great food, great shopping (HHEEELLLOOO Target, it's been a long time my friend) and GREAT company.

Now back to reality. School starts back on Monday, and life in our town is slowly creeping back to life. Nothing like shaking things up a bit.

Purging

2010-01-26T10:47:00.000-08:00

We have been busy getting our house ready to put on the market, and I am LOVING how organized my house is becoming. I think everyone should pretend to move every two or three years, it's amazing what you realize you don't need. One thing that has been surprisingly cathartic is "getting rid of the autism." I have been donating book after book, worksheets, ABA stuff, all the stuff I "needed" to help me teach my son, it's all going. I of course will keep a few things, most of it was very expensive which makes me all the more happy to give it away. Visual schedules, PECS cards and especially books about "recovery" those I throw away, I don't even want to give those away, and it is like a little happy dance every time I see the trash truck. I have shredded stacks and stacks of IEP sh!@, and daily data sheets, depicting exactly how many bites my son was able to take out of a cookie....gone.... gone .... gone. Everyone telling me how it would be, how to get through, how to teach, how I should be, and what I should sacrifice to get it... good bye. We have found our way, and I know my own strength now, I know what my children need, it's time to move on.

Lady in Waiting

2010-01-25T18:23:00.000-08:00

I learned a very hard lesson this summer. I was neck deep in kids, and I needed help. I was so very anxious for school to start, I pressed hard for the date, couldn't wait. When that date arrived, it ended up being the date of my grandmothers fatal stroke. Not only that, but I had put off going to visit her two weeks before, I thought "Oh geez I cannot travel with these kids, I'll go after school starts, it will be easier then, I will feel more up to it." As difficult as this lesson is, the insight gained, has been invaluable. There is a lot of life waiting in the waiting.

Once again, my life is a bunch of maybes and wait and sees, and I am waiting on many things. Too many to go into in one post, but I find myself pressing toward an unknown time of peace and security. It is difficult for me to even focus on all the goodness going on around me, because of the goodness I perceive waiting for me in the future. Being mindful of my forward propulsion, I have made attempts at not waiting. But enjoying the time I have now. All of the things I am waiting for will happen and my perception of peace and security then, is just as unlikely as realizing that I have peace and security now.

This is not a new concept to me, or anyone I am sure, but I am learning that these things come and go in a circular motion in my life. I find myself revisiting the same few issues over and over, for years and even decades, eventually (I assume) come to a realization and learn a lesson, only to forget about the lesson six months from now, and revisit it AGAIN once I cannot stand it anymore. Only with each new cycle I am a bit more prepared a bit wiser, and so when these moments of clarity come, I grab on tight and hope that one day, I .... ha see pursuit of the future unknown. I have so much to learn.

And now for a few words from our sponsors...

2010-01-11T18:53:00.000-08:00

It has been a lovely two weeks. Let me just say, having all three kids somewhere at least two days a week is AWESOME! Why didn't I do this sooner,oh yeah might have something to do with the one year old mama's boy:) I say that sarcastically, but it is a little nice, I mean the boy loves me. Before bed he runs to the rocker and get this snuggles with me it is so lovely. Cotton, loved for you to rub his head, and face, Landon was just too busy to cuddle, but Rev squeezes his little body into yours, wet hair smelling of Burt's Bees and just showers you with sticky baby kisses before settling down to the business of rocking. I guess it is true what they say of your last child. We have been pretty uneventful around here. We are night training Landon, pretty funny I know exactly how it is going to go. At least a week of night time interruptions followed by a night of dry, and a reward for his efforts. Followed by three more days of not, followed by frustrated parents and threats and more rewards, followed by a few dry nights, and then more, and then we will forget all about the struggle in a month. But, and I am sure this is not a new trick but I will share anyway, just in case you haven't heard of it. Layer the bed waterproof cover, sheet, waterproof cover sheet, so when you get the inevitable wake up you pull one layer off and voila you are ready to go again. He also started at a new preschool, and loves it. I really like it, because both the little boys are in the same place, and for the same amount of time.

I actually got to go to the gym for a workout. I hate going to the gym I prefer to work out at home, or better yet outside, but it has been like 10 degrees here. Turns out I needed to go to the gym. Evidently I have not been pushing myself enough, and I have some very sore muscles to prove it. I suppose it is time to step it up a bit, I love Yoga but doing yoga as a workout per se is not exactly the point. So, maybe with my freedom I will actually go to a class or two. If you are interested in my humble opinion and are looking for an amazing yoga DVD, I would recommend Yoga Shakti . It's my fav. It will leave you feeling bliss. Speaking of bliss, and while I am making random suggestions, If you are at all interested in meditaion. Stop laughing despite my frantic blog post, I am actually an adept meditator lol. I highly recommend the Meditation Oasis podcast. Sorry the link is not working for some reason, just go to itunes it is under podcasts. These are guided meditations, that will make you feel like butter. But, if you are going to use them for sleep (which I also highly recommend) Listen to a few first, some will drift off, and some are made to reawaken you at the end. Nothing worse than being just about asleep, only to be chirped to life again. I'm not sure how this post turned into my own personal commercial, but if your interested enjoy:)

Watch Your Mouth!

2010-01-08T11:41:00.000-08:00

Cotton has been so anxious about Daddy these days. Every time he leaves for work he cries crocodile tears. He has been doing this at school too. Over and over "Daddy gone", "Daddy gone." I really had no idea why this was happening. My husband has been home here more than ever. Then it dawned on me, Cotton is privy to almost all adult conversations because, well he isn't really listening right. WRONG, The other night he spilled the beans, "Daddy move beach." We have talked to the kids a little about the move, just vague stuff like we will be going to the beach etc. I never in a million years thought that Cotton could pick up on something like this. It's great, that he understood this, but I am a little worried about what else he has heard. haha. Really the family secrets are no longer safe.

I decided if he really was understanding things of this complexity, then the only solution was to explain it to him as such. So I sat him down and laid it all out. Just like I would any other 7 year old. So far he seems to be getting it. No more tears at school. He still talks about Daddy non stop, but I think he may understand much more than I thought.

Stumbling Blocks

2009-12-31T12:47:00.000-08:00

Cotton's visual impairment pops up now and then. lol It is hard for me to imagine with all of his other issues where it may or may not come into play. Cotton is a smart boy. He knows so much, and yet this year the gap between him and his peers widens. A lot of this has to do with the introduction of critical thinking, which is something that we are years away from, and another part is the vision. Imagine a typical 1st grade worksheet. On one side of the worksheet is lined with black outlined objects, the other with blank lines for filling in the first letter of the word. Even with the worksheet enlarged it is very difficult for Cotton to identify the objects (even if he can identify the same object in real life, and in a photo picture). Random visual identification has always been difficult for him. Now if you ask him "what does pizza start with?" He has no problem answering, but if I point to the picture of the pizza, and ask him "what is this?" I will get everything from pie to triangle as a response. This is tricky, and we are still coming up with new and exciting ways to help him in this area:P As with everything it is a work in progress. I thought that reading would be our biggest obstacle as far as vision is concerned, and surprisingly our biggest obstacle to reading is speaking:) He is such a remarkable boy, in part because of his obstacles. I learn so much as he teaches us how to teach him.

2009-12-28T12:49:00.000-08:00

Christmas was... Christmas, joy, food, gifts, happiness all around. But now, now is my favorite time... clean up. Oh how I love getting rid of crap I mean stuff. Walking into a clean closet, where everything has its' own place I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. We have thrown or given away a huge portion of stuff, it is great. Now to keep it that way:)

On to the rest of the year, and the one thing that occupies my mind, way way too much. MOVING. There are so many decisions and plans to make, my head is spinning. So here is where we are now. Our plan was to stay here until my husband was done with his school next Dec. BUT... we learned a few weeks ago that Cotton's teacher ( the pin that holds the whole wheel together) is moving..... BWWAAAAHAHA. So, we can still stay, but the whole point is to not deal with change after change after change. I have been happy with the school here, but I don't trust them to choose a good replacement. It was sheer divine intervention, that we have had Mrs. C while we have been here.

Soooo we are moving to an area that was destroyed by Katrina ( you know the hurricane). Our options are

a) live in a suburb with good schools (rumor, but probably true), but expensive housing. Or

b) live on brand new base housing with not so great schools. BUT... the schools in the suburb, are overcrowded because of housing issues, and the ones on base have very low numbers again because of housing issues. I really don't want to change another school district, but I can if I have to. The agony of it all. I know I don't have to make a decision right now, but I want a plan.( I know I am whining.) The most important thing, is to get Cotton in a good school, the other boys can always go to private school, I just wish there was a clear sign that said "DO THIS" (Where is a good ABA therapist when you need one:)

HAPPY HO HO HO TO YOU!

2009-12-16T18:27:00.000-08:00

The week started with Landon's first Christmas performance. It was so cute, and he was so excited. He did a great job, and he thought he had won the lottery, when we took him out to dinner by himself, no brothers allowed.

Next up Landon's fourth birthday party. Most years I think wow my kid is that old. With Landon I simply shake my head and think he is ONLY four. But for your viewing enjoyment, Landon got a Star Wars birthday party at the local gymnastics um gym? Fun was had by all.

Then, we had Cotton's first Christmas program. By all reports he was doing great in practice, and at home he was singing all the songs. I was excited, hoping this would be the first performance that he actually participated in...

The three amigos...

Apparently they meant that he did great standing there in complete shock...

And half way through he had to pee, I mean REALLY PEE! So, he did the most elaborate pee dance I have ever seen, it ended with him shoving his hands down his cute little elf pants. I ran and jumped over several parents (the place was packed) to inform his aide... who was standing right there, but oblivious to his ahem actions. She pulled him he peed and all was well. But just when I was thinking how awful I was for subjecting my son to that he reports last night.... "go to school Merry Christmas, Mrs. M, Mrs. S , and all the other kids that were there. (which translates he wanted to go back to the school and do his Christmas performance again. He must have enjoyed it more than it appeared:)

Poor Rev missed it all, he was sick as a dog, still is, as am I. But unfortunately you cannot get antibiotics from a military facility, unless you are about to die. Let's hope it doesn't get that far.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

2009-12-10T18:06:00.001-08:00

This is for all the moms with kids that have auditory sensitivities. If you have ever had a child melt into a sobbing mess at the mere mention of a vacuum. If you have dodged for cover like a war veteran at an unexpected leaf blower, or had to leave a meal uneaten at a restaurant because the bar had the gaul to use the blender. This is for you:) Miracles do happen.

Just When You Think

2009-12-06T16:36:00.000-08:00

If anyone believes in Cotton its' me and his dad. We know how much he can do, and what a sweet little boy he is. Even though he rarely shows his "true personality" in public. It took his speech pathologist (school) a year to realize that he did not just sit there and stare at a wall. She told me that she had gone into the classroom, and could not believe that this was the same kid. Personally, I believe that speech therapy should be done in the class, and on the playground, but you've got to work with what you have, and fortunately we also have private speech therapy:)

But, Cotton still continues to surprise us. I have to admit there are times when I just say, he simply does not understand this (whatever this is). Every once in a while, we get a window into how much he really knows. For example homework usually takes about an hour and a half for ONE worksheet. This is the part where Cotton stares at the wall. Then, out of the blue he will answer all the questions, without missing a beat. Today he was repeating OVER and OVER on his talker, "Birthday want to swim (friend's name). This friend always has his birthday party at an indoor pool in January and Cotton is already excited:) Anyway, I said no, we are going to church, no swimming today. Then he said "Jonah want to swim." At first I thought that was really clever, and I was proud he had made that connection. After I thought about it, I realized that there was no way Cotton could say "Jonah" on his talker. I asked him to say Jonah want to swim on his taker again. Sure enough he had typed it!!! This is so amazing for us, he can really say all the things he wants to say and opens up a new world of spontaneous communication!!

Things That Would Just Make Life Easier.

2009-12-04T09:33:00.000-08:00

It is no secret that I am not a big fan of doctors. They have their uses, I mean if I need surgery and all, but, when it comes to my children's development, I find them woefully inept. There are two healthcare reforms that I personally would like to suggest...ahem.... First, it does not take a medical degree to diagnose pink eye, sooo WHY do I have to take my child in with pink eye, to get eye drops. We come with pink eye, and leave with swine flu. Secondly ear infections, the symptoms for ear infections are not always obvious, don't you think most mom's could look in a kid's ear and see if it was red. How many dollars would we save if we could look in our kid's ear, and know wether they needed to go in. Okay, I will get off my soap box now.

Wait, wait, before I get down I would like to say one more thing... thank you... now this has nothing to do with medicine, but don't you think it would be nice if you could have professional and personal contacts of facebook? That way the people who really don't care, and with whom you would rather not share personal information are not privy to such? So, your boss won't have to know that you and your husband had a fight last night, and that your baby has green poop. Because in a world where there is nothing personal, some things, just should be.

( this blog is intended for entertainment purposes only, no medical professionals were contacted. If you think your child may have an ear infection and or pink eye, please see your pediatrician immediately:)

Things You Shouldn't Say to Your 4 Year Old

2009-12-02T12:06:00.001-08:00

So, during therapy the other day, I took Landon and Rev to Sonic for their waiting in the car for an hour "treat." Nothing like sugar and restraints:) ANYWAY, Landon had climbed up into Cotton's seat to get his drink, we partook and departed. I turned the corner and I heard Landon say "somethings wrong with me." As he continued to slide across the back of the van (nice to note here that he in fact thought something was wrong with him because he was sliding around in his chair??) I realized that not only was he in Cotton's booster (made for 50+ lbs) he was not buckled (good job mom). I told him to get buckled which immediately became a game. There was nowhere to really pull over at that moment, and of course a police man pulls up right beside us. Now, I was mad, and of course I said. "If you don't get that seat belt on that police man is going to throw you in jail!" YUP, that is what came out of my mouth:) Of course you know what comes next oh yes, sobbing crying, and still no seat belt. So as my son has a panic attack in the back seat I find a place to pull over calm him and yes, get him buckled (in the right seat.)

Later in the week (and this will be related, just hold on) we had family in for Thanksgiving and they all decided to watch Chronicles of Narnia. I thought okay, a pretty low key movie with talking animals, they probably won't pay attention anyway. WRONG!! So about a third of the way trough the witch tells the fox something about dying and then freezes him. UGH... Now I am prepared for the sex talk, the autism talk, but the death talk NOOOOOOOOOOO! So, I promptly send him out of the room (apparently my guests did not see this as a reason to ummm CHANGE THE CHANNEL) We had a brief talk about the fox, that he was not dead but frozen and the good lion would unfreeze him. So he was okay with that for now. A while later he said he had to go to the bathroom, and snuck into the living room just in time to see the witch killing the lion (YEAH). So, I again avoided the whole death thing and explained that the little boy did something wrong and was going to be punished and the Lion said that he would take his punishment for him because he loved him so much. He then said "OH NO THE POLICEMAN IS GOING TO COME AND THROW HIM IN JAIL!" (insert another panic attack) after a long talk about how Mommy was wrong, and that policemen were nice and were here to protect us, he fell asleep.

So I thought we are pretty much over it, except that every time we get in the car he reminds us to buckle up or else (could be worse) As for the death talk, I am going to have to seek help on that one. The other day he walked in my room, I was reading a book he said "mommy?" ..."yes" "Oh, (he says casually) I thought you were just dead." ?!?!?

Less is more

2009-11-29T11:13:00.000-08:00

So, I am not really a "holiday" kind of girl. Sorry, I just feel like it is one big stress after another. I plan on taking control this year, or rather letting go of control. We all want to make those memories, so we pack as much into it this month, all in order to make it extravagant and magical. But, and we say this every year the purpose of the season is so lost it is almost a grotesque reflection of what was meant to be. Landon has a catalog of toys that he wants, and grandparents seriously willing to give him the world.

Then there is Cotton, who wants nothing, and everyone gets all tied up about what to get him, because they want to get him something. But, there is nothing you can buy that will appeal to him at all. Meanwhile my closets barely close because of all the toys that fill them. It's silly, and I am not playing.

I am going to make Christmas different. For myself I plan on focusing on an Advent study, rather than shopping non stop. We are not traveling. All therapist and teachers (who are too many to count really) will get heartfelt cards that hopefully convey how much we love and appreciate them. We are giving less, but more meaningful gifts, and I will be bringing Landon to Christmas parties and the like, and not feeling an ounce guilty for leaving the other two boys behind. Less, less less kind of feels like I am cheating or something.

2009-11-23T19:35:00.000-08:00

I don't think we will have a Christmas card this year, unless I rent some other kids that are not biologically related to me in any way. When I put the boys next to each other, they immediately start to wrestle...

When they are wearing cut off shirts and underwear, I get the most beautiful smiles. However, when I dress them up I get this...

Oh look it's raining

Then, there is the showoff...

Then, Cotton, who for some reason I always get with his eyes half open...

This is Cotton trying...

*sigh*

Another Sleep Post and Some other Randomness.

2009-11-17T19:22:00.000-08:00

So, I thought Cotton was sleeping fine since we moved all the rooms around. However, we went on a trip together this week, and one night in a hotel room told a completely different story. Cotton woke up at 2:30 am. He didn't get out of bed, or anything like that, but for the next FOUR HOURS he tossed and turned, and hummed the Star Spangled Banner... for four hours. Now, I have had many a pity party on my account for the hours I have lost in sleep, but this time I just felt so incredibly bad for HIM. He really wanted to go back to sleep, he was really trying and simply could not get his body to relax. Man, I just wish there was something I could do to help him.

On a good note, he made it through his sedated hearing test fine, and does not in anyway have a hearing deficiency :) He actually did much better than I thought he would (behavior wise). I think every trip to the doctor should start with whatever that was they gave him to make him like putty, and end with a nice nap, while they do, whatever it is they need to do. He woke up and had no idea what had just happened.

So now with all the moving stuff going on our plans are going round and round. I have decided to stay here (in the middle of nowhere) while my husband does the six month training, required to learn how to fly his new plane. Not my first choice, but the boys are doing well here, I have friends, but... here is the new catch. I think we are going to go ahead and sell our house, and move on base. As of right now, there are houses available on base, but that could change at any moment. However, I don't really want to live in a house I own while my husband is gone for 6 months. Plus, it will be nice to have that worry gone, we can save money etc. etc. etc. So now, I have to get my house ready, and sold, and pray that there will be a house open on base, when the time comes. I know it won't be easy to move Cotton at anytime, but I think this might be really good practice for him. We will move, but be in the same community, he hopefully will see that he can handle the change. So when we change for real, he will have a history of success right?? Oh, well just in case you think I have lost it, stay tuned I am liable to change my mind.

Did you understand that?

2009-11-13T12:19:00.000-08:00

So this morning I walk into Cotton's room with Landon in tow. For some reason Cotton says "uh oh....Daddy trouble," he obviously thinks this is hilarious, as he goes down the list of family members (including extended) all of which are in trouble:) Except him of course. Landon looks at me and excitedly says "Hey mom, Cotton's speaking english! (okay I have to stop and have a good chuckle). Landon is right, Cotton's language is almost discernable. I think it is because he is practicing soo much ( not that I mind) but let's just say he doesn't stop.... now only if we could make what he is saying relevant. But, we are getting there, every once in a while, he says something that completely makes sense... so wow. Cotton is doing well in school right now too. I was so worried about his writing skills, and let me just say, they have come a long way.... again with that word discernable.

Landon is also improving his writing skills right along side his brother, albeit he is a much more eager student. I don't think I will ever have to worry about school with that one, but let me just say, that teaching him to ride a bike...(WITH training wheels) has been a lot harder than I expected. He can pedal fine, but I think the height scares him a bit. I foresee a big wheel in his future. (do they still make those?)

Rev on the other hand is the exact opposite, that kid can already dribble a soccer ball. If he doesn't have ball in his hand, he has a truck. You have to be ready at any given moment to catch a flying ball (or truck), he has quite an arm. The child is just obsessed with climbing right now, and keeping off the kitchen table is my new full time job. Baby gates are no obstacle for this little guy. I just hope, he doesn't realize that he can climb out of his crib. I like my kids in a crib for as long as possible. He is just a pint size bulldozer.

As for me, can you believe I am done with Christmas shopping (at least for the kids). I went to an autism conference with a friend last weekend, and we power shopped like crazy. It was the most fun I have had in while. There is nothing like friends that understand your passion for your kids, AND your passion for shopping:)

2009-11-12T18:44:00.000-08:00

So how is this for crazy. We got our orders (insert singing angels), totally surprising orders let's just say we are heading to the beach. Let's also just say I have been totally landlocked for the last 10 years so Yippee. I was soooo hoping to be moving closer to home, and thus starts my crazy story. My husband put in for a cross flow (to switch to a different plane), his first choice was a plane that is pretty much only stationed 2 hours from my family, and he got selected as an alternate (which means maybe, but probably not the plane you want). So anyway, a few weeks ago, we got a call.... we got the plane (or he but in the military, I swear, I have earned a little bit of that, two years worth of deployments, I'm just sayin'). So, we are dancin' he got the plane he wanted, and we were convinced that we were going "home."

So then, we got another call. Apparently the plane that really is only at one base, has decided to set up a new unit. Not anywhere near my family. Seriously? So now I have this new place, I know nothing about, and while I am excited to go anywhere, I have a load of work ahead of me trying to get a program for Cotton in place. So we just basically visit grandma, and show up at the new house. As soon as I posted this on facebook, two of my friends inform me that they have a friend that lives down there (in a totally different plane, and that is unusual), and get this has a kid on the freakin' spectrum. So, whew, feels a little like someone is looking out for us our something;)

Trick or Treat...

2009-11-02T12:13:00.000-08:00

We had a great halloween this year. We had some good friends come over, had a little party and off we went. We were quite the motley crew. Our friends have 3 kids, one is on the spectrum (Cotton's best friend), and it was way too funny seeing those two trick or treating. "M" could care less about the candy, and politely asked everyone if he could come inside to see their ceiling fans. Cotton who does not exactly like candy all that much, would jump up and down excitedly, repetitively saying his approximation of "candy." Landon was with M's older brother, who was too cool for us, and I laughed my pants off watching my 3 year old try to act like he was also way too cool for us:P Rev was a super cute giraffe and did a good job TOTing for the first time. Funny he is only one and a half, and totally knows what candy is:) He definitely got his daddy's sweet tooth.

Needless to say everyone was ready to go to bed after our exciting night!

Hot Pool

2009-10-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

We made a quick trip to Dallas this weekend to visit my sister. We do this a lot, as the town we live in has little by way of shopping, it really rocks that she lives so close. (Plus, it was her birthday so bonus) Anyway, the kids really love going down to see her, but it was the first time that we ever had to deal with our kids REALLY missing someone. Landon cried half the way home, when i finally got him to tell me what was wrong he said "I just miss Aunt Jee." (insert pouty lip and deer eyes). Cotton clung to a frog toy that Jee had bought them at the zoo repeatedly pointed to it and said Aunt Jee. When we got home he ran to his talker and typed "Aunt Jee, come again." Rev was fairly oblivious to the whole "missing" thing. It was very sweet, and I am glad that the boys are really getting to know their aunt, it doesn't hurt that she has a super cool house with super cool parks near by and who can forget the "hot pool" as Cotton calls her hot tub:)

The really nice part for me an hubby, was how easy it was. Rev is really starting to out grow his general grumpiness. I am sure it has something to do with an increase in being able to communicate and understand. I love when he signs for milk, instead of pumping his fist like this... he balls both of his fists tightly and looks a little like he might have an aneurism. He also can really play with his brothers now, and when they are not stealing toys from each other, I can get a free 15 minutes:) The kids traveled easier than ever, and packing only took an hour!!! I don't want my kids to grow up too fast, but this was a nice, welcome change. This year I am so happy to say we are staying home for BOTH holidays (hippee in the words of Landon). We figure next year Rev will be much more willing to travel long distances, and if we move, it will be very likely that Dad will not be here for both holidays. My little boys are getting so big, and grown up.

IEP

2009-10-20T18:39:00.000-07:00

We had our annual IEP last week, and it was really the easiest one ever. I usually leave an IEP feeling like there must be something I am forgetting. This time we all seemed to be on the same page. I even scored a 19" touch screen computer for Cotton's classroom:) Our biggest hurdle right now is bridging the gap between what Cotton knows, and what Cotton can communicate. That of course puts a strong emphasis on increasing communication, and finding alternatives to writing (thus the 19" touch screen). Don't worry writing itself is still on the "list" but we need alternatives to achieving his academic goals. While we have made unbelievable progress with Cotton's talker, Cotton uses it to tell us what he wants to talk about, and not necessarily anything "conversational," although that is happening with greater frequency.

So about the computer. Apparently, the lab just got a new touch screen. When they showed Cotton computer, he picked it up right away. They were doing a reading program that everyone thought was above his head, lo and behold Cotton set to work completing the task easily, and with a crowd of about 15 faculty and staff behind him in amazement. They were all so giddy about it, it was not a hard sell to request one for the class.

I am truly blessed to have such a great team behind him right now. I know my last post was a bit somber, sometimes it gets so hard to explain why some kids just take off, and others continue to struggle. But there is progress, I really like this school because they are very much focused on working with the disorder, respecting his limitations, but not letting him use them as an excuse. Personal accountability is of the highest priority with this group, and I know that this will bring him farther than any academic skill.

When I start feeling defeated I always go back to the same mantra " you can get a job with a 4th grade education, but not if you are sniffing all the girls hair." I think I have mentioned this on my blog before. A lovely lady that speaks in our area, has a 20 year old son with autism. Her story is a success story although it is not a recovery story. This was something she said at one of her speeches that has just really resonated with me, and has comforted me in so many ways.

The Mountains Win Again

2009-10-13T08:27:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite songs is "The Mountains Win Again" by Blues Traveler. The Bible says if you have the faith of a mustard seed you can move mountains, and there mine stands....mocking me. We have just done everything to help Cotton, all the "right" therapies a couple of not so "right" therapies, we have struggled, and pushed, endured, and prayed. I have watched every single one of his friends with autism learn to speak, ask questions, and eventually even have somewhat of conversations. While we still struggle with just the fundamentals. I always feel like a failure when it comes to Cotton, like somehow, someway, I missed the memo. For us, autism, does not explain everything. I think one day their will be a genius geneticist that discovers a gene that explains it all (there are plenty of disorders associated with hypopigmentation, so I would not be surprised.) For right now, I suspect that Cotton actually lies somewhere between autism, and angelman's syndrome. One day science will tell.

I was at my pre IEP meeting the other day, and the kids from the class came in. I know them all well, so they were all saying hi, to me and telling me about their latest adventures. One child in particular had really made tremendous progress. So when they left I mentioned to the group ( the 8 people involved daily in helping Cotton) that I was really amazed at how well E was doing. Cotton's TVI (teacher for the visually impaired) looked at me earnestly and said, "you know that you are dealing with more than autism." She said it so compassionately, I immediately felt the weight of failure on my shoulders, release, and subsequently punch me in the stomach. I am not sure why, but it was almost like she was saying that it was not my fault. I didn't realize how much I needed to hear that. I am not sure I realize how much I need to believe it. It is hard to admit that I feel like I have failed Cotton, seriously when I look back we left no stone unturned, and we are and will continue to press. But, just having someone confirm that this is as difficult as it is, was just nice.

The Sun Never Shines in the Upside Down House

2009-10-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

We have been busy. We basically have rearranged our entire house, all in the name of sleep. It all started with an idea to change the dining room, into a bedroom/office. Okay, so a little tacky but really there is not way around it. Cotton absolutely MUST have his own room, and Rev will not be ready to share for a few more months. So anyway, we set up the room, but.... the colors were not right, so I needed a new rug, and then curtains, and on and on. Somehow, in the middle of all of this, I decided to get my master bath redone. I am almost done, although I promised myself I would be done last weekend, Alas, when you live an hour away from the nearest Lowes, there is no room for error. I am almost there, one more trip down the road and we should have it:) I would post pictures, but it is totally nothing special basically it went from hideous early '90's wallpaper, dried flowers and brass, to very neutral sellable beige....(yawn). Either way I will be thrilled when it is a far away memory.

The room situation has worked out nicely. The room looks enough like an office, that I don't think many people (because I have so many people over) will notice. You know my huge dinner parties will have to wait. lol This was the first weekend that we really reaped the benefits of the "makeover". Landon came into my room quietly at 8:30, that's right 8:30!!!! I can feel him staring at me even in my sleepy haze, as he informs me that the sun is in fact up. (He knows to stay in bed until he can see the sun:P). I lazily (and not my best mommy moment, but you know you do it too) turned on some cartoons for the boys, about an hour later Landon came back in to ask me if I could hear that Rev was awake (yes he will sleep until 9 everyday if you let him:):):)... Give me a break, we have not slept in, for a while now. So, my house will not be noted in the next Better Homes & Gardens, but it is working for us:) Nothing like a day to sleep in!

Little Boys and Dead Bugs

2009-10-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

Landon has done a lot of growing the last few months. His imagination is through the roof right now. Nothing is safe, he even had his noodles dueling at dinner the other night. I have purposefully kept his schedule low key in hopes to give him plenty of room to explore and imagine. It is so easy to fall in the over booked trap. I have to admit, that I do feel a pang of guilt when I hear about other kids schedules. But, I know my kids, when we are "doing" a lot, I am basically hauling around tired cranky kids. I still maintain that the most important job for a kid is to have plenty of playtime, and lots of time outside to experience the world. Boredom is an opportunity to open your eyes, look around, and pay attention. If you are really paying attention to the ants on the ground, the pumpkins growing in the garden, or the way the paint flows around a soggy piece of paper, you are not bored.

He is so much fun to teach. Everything is interesting, he adds a new perspective to everything we do, and he just plain makes me laugh. We did a yoga story during my yoga class the other day that involved a dead bug (baby pose), really it was one little activity and ever since that day every thing we do talk about or otherwise has to involve a dead bug. The randomness and the comedy of it all... right now he is telling me "I am dreaming of shoes and fishing"...I just want to bottle him up and remember how sweet and silly this age is.

Love Lifted Me

2009-10-01T07:23:00.000-07:00

On the heals of the new Autism Speaks PSA, I found myself pondering what autism had done to my life. Is it an insidious creature that stole my world my marriage and my son, like depicted in the video? My answer was most assuredly no. When Cotton was first diagnosed it was the worst time of my life, I have trouble even thinking about that point, it is such a dark place. I think at that time I could have totally related to the "monster" coming for my child. In the beginning that is how I saw autism, something that kept my son from being who he really was. The truth is without autism, my son would be a different person all together.

One of the greatest lessons that autism has taught me, is to love people as they are exactly at that moment. Not to dwell on what you want them to be, or how they might be, but to love them perfectly and purely. That pure love (not wanting that person to change) ironically is what truly changes people. Most of all it changed me. I have been a proud and judgmental person for most of my life. People with special needs scared me, and even I am ashamed to say offended me. Now I see people with special needs as the most beautiful people on the planet, with more to teach than a thousand Phds could ever imagine. I know they work harder and longer than I ever could, and that they show the people who love them what that word really means. My marriage is stronger because of autism. Any pretense we had going into our marriage was stripped clean, we were exposed and raw, luckily we held on to each other used each other for our strengths and carried each other when it got too hard. It is true that our finances were rocked a bit at first, but we soon became experts on getting funding for the therapies that Cotton needed. We are on this earth to learn and grow, and that can be excruciatingly painful. Autism didn't steal my child, it is for better or worse part of my child, and I love every inch.

Crystal Ball

2009-09-30T18:55:00.001-07:00

We have now lived in small town Oklahoma for two years now. If you are a military person then you know that you start to get the itch. The itch to know what is next. Uggh, I so need a crystal ball right now, it is so frustrating not knowing where we will be moving next. My husband was put on an "alternate" list for a different plane, which means that we could a) not move at all or b) get a months notice and have to move immediately. You really just can't plan for that. I really think there needs to be a better way, a woman needs time to obsess, go over the school districts with a fine tooth comb, and scour the housing market. I know it is all about going with the flow, but I am just not that type of girl, I nnnnneeeeed to know.
So instead I am re-arranging my house:) It's about the only control I have at this point.

Can Anybody Hear Me On This Thing???

2009-09-24T10:33:00.000-07:00

This is a completely unrelated photo of me and Cotton enjoying a Hawaiian sunset... it calms me.... I need a little calm don't you think??

I hate doctors, I know they mean well, and they are usually good people, but taking Cotton to get ANYTHING done is just really, really hard. My low key kid turns into a little monster, with fangs and all. But, alas, we need to go again. I am torturing him by getting another sedated hearing test. Poor kid, this is voluntary so I am feeling guilty, but with his complete inability to understand most spoken language, I would be remiss to not recheck this regularly (every 3 years).

We've tried everything to help him with the dreaded doctor, and it is so bad that I now HAVE to bring my husband to even routine visits. This is the ONLY time that Cotton ever acts out, he doesn't get aggressive, he just sobs, and thrashes and covers whatever orifice the doctor is trying to explore. So wish us luck, wish the doctor luck, and even though I secretly wish that there is a fixable problem that will solve all our receptive challenges...pray that eveything turns out okay:)

To include, or not to include...

2009-09-21T12:24:00.000-07:00

We are at a good balance right now. We decided at the beginning of the year that Cotton was going to stay in the inclusive class for most of the day, just like last year. Cotton can sit in a regular ed class, and follow along-ish with a little help but I don't get it. What is the fight for inclusion? No doubt Cotton has learned a lot from his peers. He would not be anywhere near where he is now without them, but, he learns these things during music, PE, and recess. The classroom, is just not even close to what he needs. The first graders are flying through academics, like little brainiacs inhaling every new lesson like nothing. Cotton is quite literally being left in the dust, and I am a kicking myself for not holding him back this year. My husband wants you to know that he was totally fighting to hold him back, and it has thus been written on "the record." My thoughts are that we will move next year, we might as well let him go ahead with the friends he has, and hold him back when he is starting over anyway.

The thing I don't get about inclusion, is that people think that there is nothing to be learned from the kids in the inclusion room. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the old adage if you "stick" him only with kids that have special needs all he will learn is their bad behavior.I can truly say that I am beyond grateful for each and every precious soul in Cotton's class. Those kids are a pack, and no matter what the obstacle, they love each other. Cotton especially loves his friends so much that his body bubbles with it. He says their names like they are the most important people on the earth, and then his feet literally lift from the ground with happiness. These kids have rubbed off on each other in meaningful and important ways. Cotton's partner this year is another little boy with autism. He has energy that the sun could not harness, and he flies from one thing to the next at lightning speed. Cotton moves at a snails pace, when these two are together, there is a balance that I cannot explain. They have a new member in their class, and Cotton just thinks this kid is the "stuff." He is ten, but his maturity is that of a six year old. How awesome is it for this kid to have the others look up to him. You can see how proud he is as he shows off for his loyal followers. He always takes time to say hi to Cotton, and wait... for Cotton to recognize him and respond. There is acceptance among our kids. They do not have judgment, and NO ONE in that class is weird.

I know inclusion is good for many things. But I would rather Cotton be king of the school in a special education room. Than one of "those" kids in the regular ed. class.

2009-09-17T19:20:00.000-07:00

So I go to Cotton's parent teacher conference tonight. All is well he is settling in nicely, doing what he needs to do etc. Then they ask me. So, does Cotton use his talker at home? WHAT!!!!???? Are you kidding! I cannot get the boy to stop talking now, and they say he has only used the talker twice since school started. That boy I swear! The funny thing is that as soon as he gets home, he grabs it out of his backpack and starts telling me about his day. No big, I am sure a little generalization work and he will be up and running. But, he is such a stinker! He totally uses his talker with his private speech therapist, but the school speech therapist can't get him to talk at all. At least all have reported great gains in the area of verbal speech so at least he is not holding out on them completely. Sheesh.

Cotton Candy

2009-08-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

So, there are some really good things going on around here! Cotton is close, so very close... the words are there, and clearer and clearer everyday. I am pushing, probably too much, but he is there, and we are ready to take that next step. I would no longer call him nonverbal, maybe low verbal, or not conversational, but non, is no longer:) The really cool thing is that he isn't asking for what he wants. He is talking about things, his day, the people in his life... and ohhh, his dad, the boy is totally into dad right now. Before I get ahead of myself, he is very repetitive, still lots and lots of artic. work to do but man, I was starting to think we would not get here.

He is so funny, he is also blowing me away on his talker , he is getting so good, I don't even know how he is saying some of this stuff. He is now calling me driver, as in "driver want to go to school, driver, go to therapy." Where on earth did he get that! The other day he said "I go to Gimmie Papaw, I get presidents!!" (presents of course, but so cute.) He of course is still reading auras, and I am beginning to think he may have synaesthesia. He keeps saying that he is hearing different colors, not that that means anything, and fairly common with people on the spectrum, but kind of cool.

We are still sticking to our guns with the boy. He seems to be stepping up for the most part. We are requiring him to eat the dinner the rest of us eat, cleaning his room, picking up after his snack, and the other chores that Landon is also responsible for. It takes a million years but it will be worth it. I have added an emphasis on improving his receptive language, which can go hand in hand with chores... if you have a million years or so:) I also bought some software to help facilitate this effort, I will tell you how, and if it works.

So on my little tightrope here, I have a lot to accomplish. I have to remind myself, that I am not looking for perfect just better. Not in he will be better, but I will be, and as a result he will understand more, and be able to communicate more. More, just more.

What a Woman!

2009-08-21T15:15:00.001-07:00

My Nana Nell, was born 85 years ago, in southern Arkansas to a family of farmers, she had 12 brothers and sisters, and she was the baby. She spent the falls picking cotton, and while her sisters covered themselves head to toe, to keep from tanning, my grandmother basked in the sun, a bronze little girl all knees and elbows with a white cotton crown on top. She grew up, married and had a son, her first husband died in WWII. In order to make ends meet she became a hairdresser. A few years later after the war had ended, she met my Paw. I love his recollection of the story he once told me " I saw Nell and the boy, and I liked them." They married shortly thereafter, and had two more children my dad, and my aunt.

My Nana has always marched to her own drummer. She's the woman at church that sings the harmony in a thick loud southern accent, while all the others stick to the melody. She has no rules and no apologies. Still she is the first person that will greet you in church. The first person to bring you a meal if you are sick. The woman at the nursing home giving perms to women that barely have hair. She loves to line dance, and has two boyfriends that know nothing about each other. The other day, while teaching water aerobics, my Nana had a massive stroke. Things are not looking great, but I believe in miracles, and I also believe in mercy. I just wanted you to know about this amazing woman. That her life is so fun and so beautiful. Even today, lying in her hospital bed, my family juggled her two boyfriends trying to insure that one did not find out about the other. As I am sitting here so unsettled about her future I hear her loud thick southern voice crooning

"Softly and Tenderly Jesus is calling, calling for you and for me. See by the portal He's waiting and watching, watching for you and for me. Come home, come home all who are weary come home."

I love you Nana, you are such an example of living a full and meaningful life. Whatever the future may bring.

Drawing the Line.

2009-08-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

A storm is a brewin' in my house right now. The line between positive reinforcement, self motivation, and out and out stubbornness. We are at a point where Cotton has got to learn how to write. He can write, when he wants to, it's not totally legible but you can tell what he is writing. It's the "want to" part that is up for negotiation. Of course this is a symptom of a much bigger problem. We have let Cotton get away with much more than we should have. I would blame it on sensory needs, visual issues, autism, etc. etc. etc. The fact still remains that when he wants to do something, it is not a problem. I need a way to hold him accountable, for misbehavior (checking out when he needs to be working). Because ultimately I need to raise him to be as responsible for himself as possible.

I don't want to be a drill sergeant or anything, I don't expect compliance (what a dirty word). I just should expect as much from him as I do my other boys. If they don't do what they are suppose to there are consequences. There is the problem with Cotton. There is very little that that Cotton actually is motivated for. I am so not sitting there with gummy candy, that really doesn't teach him anything. I am talking more about personal responsibility. I feel really lost here, I feel pressure this year, not from anyone else, just that he is six and half. The reality is he may never write. He will probably use his talker, or laptop to write. But, he has to be able to do the things he doesn't necessarily like to do. We all do.